Friday, January 4, 2008

Having A Down Day

Here I am today sitting in my bathrobe having a pity party. Do you ever have down days? I don't know why I would but I am. I am sitting here thinking about how I hate being the middle child because I am a true "people pleaser". Typical middle child syndrome. We want all the world to be right. If it is not turning correctly, then we will fix the axes to make sure that it does. And that goes with relationships as well. With parents, kids, friends, spouse, and co-workers. It puts quite the burden on the middle child. It is impossible to make every one happy. I know that but I try to hard to make everything right with everyone. And in the meantime guess who gets their feelings stepped on? Is it the age, going through the change, or is it truly not being appreciated for what you do for others? I think I have a pretty good argument for that statement in life. I put in 21 1/2 years at the police department, walked away with nothing. No goodbye from anyone, no that is not true. The ladies in front records baked me a cake and gave me a cute candle and candle burner. That was so sweet of them. And that makes me sound so ungrateful when I don't acknowledge that. I guess what I am saying is I had dreams that I would have a retirement party like others. Cake, punch, nuts, mints, and all my friends along with family members. We would take pictures for the ole scrap book, reminisce of old times, you know, the good ole get together, we will miss you, thank you for all your work and dedication for the years you gave to this community. You know what I am saying. Yet I walked out the door without a goodbye, a handshake, take care, best of luck, see you later, nothing. That really hurts. Now the police department is planning a banquet for all the retired people who did not get a big party. Most of the people walked away not wanting one, I on the other hand wanted one. I wanted my teacher friends and students to come. I wanted the public whom I had so faithfully served to have the opportunity to come say goodbye. But now they are having a party for everyone that has retired from the police department with food, music, and a bar. So I get to go back and eat with people that have been retired for years, be around people drinking, and still won't get to say good by to my fellow officers and public. Am I ungrateful? I cried.
But you know what else is sad? I feel the same way about my family at times. But that is parenting right? No, I think we need to raise children to truly appreciate what is given to them. I guess I am hurt for I just spent a lot of money and time trying to mend things with a step daughter that has never been receptive to me marrying her dad. It has been 12 years and it is just still as hurtful. I just don't understand. I flew them home, pick them up, spent the weekend doing everything for them, got up in the night with the baby, got up in the morning with the kids, and once dad gets home I no longer exist. Then after they leave I don't even get a phone call saying they made it safely, I don't get a Happy New Years Day phone call, and I don't get a call saying how things went on the first day of school. In fact, a week later, I have not had one phone call at all. But yet a phone call to dad has happened everyday on the cell phone, therefore making it a private call just for that person. Not on the home phone where anyone could answer it. That hurts. I cried.
I have the same thing on the other side of the family. I sent a very nice gift that was what someone wanted. I have yet to receive a phone call saying how much they appreciated it. Or how they liked the color, or what they have done with it as yet. I thought it was something that they would have jumped with joy, would want to call and just lavish praise on me for picking something so nice and a"just what I wanted". But after I text and asked if they liked it, I got a reply, yes, thank you. Wow, tons of excitement there. I cried. My heart gets hurt so badly when people do not appreciate the effort I do for them. It really hurts me. I feel I am a very giving person and I need to be stoked for my good deeds. I don't do them for the stroke, I do them because I love people so much. But I desire, I crave the praise. That must be one of my "love languages". Some of you will understand what that means.
I made someone a special room too. I had people send cards for their special day drove to be with them even when I was sick. I did it to make them feel special. And the main thing was the room I made. I went to so much trouble fixing it. Painting it, decorating it, ordering things from e-bay that completed the room. Bought a new piece of furniture just for that room, just for that person, yet when the room was revealed. Nothing. No thank you, no excitement, and to this day, three and half months later, the room has never been mentioned. That hurts. I cried. I guess we all need to be more gracious for what others do for us. Even the little things. I miss a very special friend, wish I had just one more day with her, wish so badly I could share my sorrow with her for she would give me a kick in the pants and say, you are such a good person, don't get down on yourself. Get over the pity party and then she would make me laugh and we would move on. I would vent and all would be better. After all, every Wednesday we used to go eat lunch at El Chico and solve the world problems. I am having a very down day. I cried.

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