Friday, January 29, 2010

Physical Therapy

It Hurts!
Well not much news on the ole...old shoulder. We had the MRI done a week or so ago and had good news. No rips, tears, or damage that could be seen....hip hip hooray.
It appears I will live. Well that is what I thought till I went to physical therapy. Oh my goodness. She appears to be fairly fresh out of college, very kind, funny, and professional. I like her. So we are hoping that with three weeks of therapy I will be better. I do think that the shoulder is already better tonight. Maybe a little more range of motion....Or is that wishful thinking so I won't have to keep going? Ha Ha Ha.
I was never so happy to see January 1st in all my life. I have been hurting so badly, very badly, BADLY since around October. I remember I was taking pictures of my precious grandchildren on Halloween day at my favorite place. Caleb is always so easy to do. I was helping him get up in a tree and something happened and I thought I was going to cry, drop him. or something or all of that. That was the first time I can remember it hurting so bad that I could not function for a bit. I had to just stop and regain my composure. Since I hardly ever go to the doctor I decided to tough it out till January and meet my $500.00 deductible then. I did not want to meet it in 2009 and turn around and have to do it again in 2010. I am all about the money!
My dad has had two frozen shoulders. There is some fancy name for it, but I don't remember it and probably could not spell it anyway! One shoulder was fixed with therapy and the other with surgery. I don't care which one I have....just get it fixed. It is so hard to continue taking pictures and working on photo shop with this shoulder so messed up. My range of motion is strictly limited.....the pain level goes from 0 to 10 in a blink of an eye. I can not hardly wash my hair, blow dry it, or even
shave my arm pit. that is disgusting isn't it. I manage, but it is not easy and I am NOT going to paint you a picture of it either. So I am going to do my therapy every day and work hard at getting this shoulder back to 100% asap!
We are suppose to be getting a huge, major snow storm. I was so ready. I did all the laundry, the dishes, fed the birds, had plenty of dog food and extra treats fixed. I had bought groceries, fixed food, brought in firewood to the patio, gassed up the car, we had the generator checked and ready to go. Scott made a couple extra trips to the grocery store when I realized I forgot something else again at the last minute. Even tonight in the middle of it all, he ran (drove) to Wal-Greens and picked up some movies from Red Box. That way if we can't get them back it is only a dollar each. But I think he will be able to return them. Do you know why I think that???? Because so far my dreams, my hopes have all been squashed. SQUASHED I tell you. I so was looking forward to some major weather. I was soooo ready for some major weather. And now all that effort is for not! Oh well, I will live through it! Maybe tonight more will come in. Maybe I will get some beautiful white stuff. The last time ww had some was just a month ago when the kids and grand kids were here for Christmas. We had a blast being snowed in. The grand kids played and played in the snow and I can tell you it was WONDERFUL. Wish they were here this weekend but that is not to happen. Maybe some day soon things will change and the grand kids can be here with their grandma and have some wonderful, well deserved, much needed, grandma and papa time. Grandparents play a very special role in a child's life and our time with Caleb and Allie is limited. They will be gone in about one and a half years. So not seeing them for a month has cheated them out of some very special time and memories for their lives. But some things are out of my control, and I respect that. I have no doubt they know I love them and they love me. We are family and that will not change. So tonight when you go to bed.....will you please say an extra prayer for Chris and Sarah and Caleb and Allie. They are all such a blessing in mine and Scott's life. We love them, we miss them and we pray that God will touch their hearts and realize how much they need us....and we need them! We are family.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Beyond My Control

And Letting Go!!
OK, there is a big prayer going up that I find out this week about the job I interviewed for. I think I want it more than I have wanted anything in a very long time. But I have learned that it might be a difficult challenge. Oh wait....I worked for the Enid PD for nearly 22 years, can it really be any more difficult than that???? OK, that is just my humor showing off here? You know I loved my time with the PD. You know that working there I developed many skills in learning how to read people. Learning how to investigate lots of situations. I also have used my police skills in months past to help others in very critical situations that was a matter of keeping ones job or not. So being a police officer has been a wonderful way to spend my life and I sincerely have no regrets. NOT ONE.
I can honestly say as I grow older and deal with more and more experiences in life, that I am learning that pain is NEVER going to go away when it comes to disappointments. I also have learned that people are the same every where, that variable never changes. Locations, time and players may change, but life is pretty much the same regardless. One has to chose change in order for that to occur. And I chose change in my life. I'm glad that I have. I have always been one to stand on principals. I still do. I believe right is right and wrong is wrong. But I am also believe that we all make mistakes, we have the right to forgiveness, and we are going to make mistakes again. Know how I know???? Because darn it, it keeps happening to me. I also have learned that people are going to react how they want, people are going to read into things what ever they want, and people get mad because they want to. I am guilty of that. As I get older I try very hard to be upfront in life with people. It works for the most part. But sometimes life throws us a curve ball, a fast ball, puts a monkey wrench into the plans, etc. But I think what I have learned that affects me the most, is that I want what is best, what is good, for those I love. Sometimes those intentions are miss interpreted. Sometimes those intentions are not even wanted. But what I do know, that my heart is huge for people, no matter what the relationship to me. I have a LOVE for people. Sometimes my love, my passion, my desire and my innate right over wrong is not always a welcomed response. But I will not give up. I will not give in, and I will continue to always love those that are sometimes the hardest to love. That's who I am.
I feel this job may not be offered to me. And I am OK with that. That means there is somebody BETTER than me to do it. (well I hope so any ways!) Maybe I should say there is some one better for the job than me??? Yes, that sounds better. But I do know that no matter what the challenge, no matter what the issues, no matter what the personalities are....I will be determined to do what is right. I will be driven to be fair, to be responsible, to be honest, to listen, to speak softly, to be a good person no matter what the endeavor, or who I am dealing with. Kind of like how I feel about being a mother, or a step mother. It is full of challenges, some that cause pain, and many that bring joys beyond measure. So parenting, supervising, it is all the same from my perspective at this time. It is all about caring. And when one stops caring, then it is time for a change. Because it is all about caring, caring about others, about what I say, what I do, how that makes them feel. I am learning however I can not control how others feel. I can not control what others do. But I can control how I react,how I believe and how I can not lose who I am in the midst of it. I am God's child. I have not relied on Him much lately. Could do it myself. Didn't talk to Him much, I was in control. Man, why does it take a heart break, or a difficult situation to make us look towards Him for help? Because I am stubborn too, because I am wrong at times, because I fall short time after time , and because I am real. Because I love with all my heart, and I am sorry for when I disappoint. Whether it is my Heavenly Father, my own earthly parents, my daughter, my step-daughter, my son, their families, friends, co-workers, I fall short. I have failed. But I will try again, because I love.....and I am not a quitter.
I LOVE A GOOD CHALLENGE. (or, I love a GOD challenge!)
We will see what He has in store for me hopefully this week. Keep me in your prayers will you?

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Happy New Year 2010

Black Eye Peas
I had mine, did you have yours?
Well here we go, the start of another new year. Seems only like yesterday it was the beginning of 2009....not really, this has been a pretty long year to me. This year will be an interesting year. I will be turning 50 this year....I don't dread it, I look forward to having a big party and celebrating it in big style. And I do plan to make some big changes this year as well.
I am really hoping to get this job that I have applied for. I just feel so positive about it, I can see myself doing this job, and being really good at it. Now if I can just get an interview and convince them! But I also feel if it is meant to be then it will happen. I sometimes don't always know what is best for me and I tend to idealize things to make them fit into my perfect little dream world. But I have faith that if this job is good for me, if it is right for me AND if "I" am right for the job, then things will come to pass. I just will not worry about it. But I am going shopping for an outfit to interview in, I am getting an appointment to get my hair fixed, I have not had that done in MONTHS, and I am going to research, study and be ready when they call. Then if it does not happen, it will not because I was not ready or didn't try. So we will see, but I am so excited I can't hardly stand it. I just have a peace about this...honestly either way. I was not "looking" for a job, this one literally jumped out at me, and it just fits right into my passions in life. I did not want to go back to work, but this job to me sounds like I would be fine with going back to work, I already think about it and how it will be and how I want to do things with my time if I go back to work, and how the dogs will adjust to me being gone again. Poor babies! So we shall see.
My daughter has a JOB and she likes it! That is a good thing. After three months of a no paying job, and us paying her bills with no help from her father whatsoever, we are starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. She hated her life the way it was, and it was not from a lack of trying. No, she did not always make the best of choices. But she worked two jobs and got paid for neither of them. I have told her to file a complaint with the labor board, I researched it and they are wrong, they owe her the money and the labor board can/will take care of it. She just has to go there and do it. I have told her, I have fought with her, and I have cried over is no longer my problem. She is owed a LOT of money, I am paying nothing now, so it is up to her to right the wrong and to take care of things. She is very smart and I am an enabler. So now I am done. I have had a change of heart. Not that I don't love her, but now she will have to learn how to take care of things herself. She is very capable, and I need to let her. If she wants the money and wants to make things right with us, then she will do it, and if not, then there is NOTHING that I can do. I have all the faith in the world she will do it, when???? I don't know, she has had about three weeks to do it now, so when she gets desperate enough maybe she will. But I am done bugging her about it.
I have to learn that I can not control what everyone else does. Yes, their choices hurt others.....ME....but it is not all about me. Sometimes I will just have to hurt. Sometimes I don't understand why some people make the choices they make....and it makes me cry for I can see what the outcome is going to be. But I have to learn to let them make their own choices. That is where I am going to try to grow this year. I need to write in a journal, or read a self help book and learn how to let go of things. I am very concerned about my family and choices that are being made. I fear what the outcome of the future will hold and it is going to affect the children, us as parents, and of course friends. But it is not MY decision. I have talked till I am blue in the face yet the behavior continues knowing how her family feels and that it might in fact become a deal breaker. But it is not MY decision. Yes, I have said it before and will say it again, for I have to live that now.
My other family member is going to see changes in me too. Why is it that we tend to want to live our children's lives? I have decided a relationship has to be worked at by both parties. If one party does not work at it, then no matter how hard I try it will just not grow or flourish. I have tried for the past few years and it is just getting no where. I have no idea why, I have asked, I have tried to communicate, I have gone the extra mile to make things work and I hit a brick wall each time. So if that person does not want a relationship with me I need to just let it go. Does it hurt??? Yes it does....very much . More than I ever dreamed possible. I am such a people person, a people pleaser. But when it comes to the fact that I can not please no matter how hard I try, then I need to let it go. And 2010 is going to see just that. Maybe with time, and a little maturing things might change, I don't know. I would love it, don't see that happening, but you know what, I am ok with that. Will I stop loving my family? No, of course not, but I will not chase a relationship that is not respected on both sides.
Do you see my heart? Do you see where I am focusing myself? I am deciding to work with/towards things that I can change, or help or affect. I am going to let go of the dead weight, it is drowning me. My dear dear cousin whom I love as a, I love her as a dear dear friend, told me just the other day, she said, Lisa (that's what she calls me!) you have to let this...(stuff)........go. It is killing you and I don't want to see that. It is really killing you. I was having a very bad day. I called her crying which I just don't do that often, I am not a big crier. But I was having a REALLY bad day. And she talked with me for a long time, she spent her time showing me that the choices that "I" was making was not good, not healthy, and she did not want to lose me as her cousin. I thought about that and felt good to have that love shown and expressed to me and to make me see that "I" have to change. Well there is no better time to change than with a new year. So 2010, I plan to affect change. I have Dr. Appointments already scheduled, let's get this shoulder fixed, and then will go get all those "girl" appointments done, and really start working on getting this weight off. I have a 60th Wedding Anniversary to help with the end of July and I want to be able to take the pictures with no pain. I can do this. And I have already started. So 2010, turning 50, making changes, getting a new job, helping children, helping those that want my help, that is what this year, this new decade is going to be all about. Can I do bet I can. Stay Tuned To See. I love a good challenge.
HAPPY NEW YEAR....look out world, here I come.