Happy New Year 2010

Black Eye Peas

I had mine, did you have yours?

Well here we go, the start of another new year. Seems only like yesterday it was the beginning of 2009....not really, this has been a pretty long year to me. This year will be an interesting year. I will be turning 50 this year....I don't dread it, I look forward to having a big party and celebrating it in big style. And I do plan to make some big changes this year as well.

I am really hoping to get this job that I have applied for. I just feel so positive about it, I can see myself doing this job, and being really good at it. Now if I can just get an interview and convince them! But I also feel if it is meant to be then it will happen. I sometimes don't always know what is best for me and I tend to idealize things to make them fit into my perfect little dream world. But I have faith that if this job is good for me, if it is right for me AND if "I" am right for the job, then things will come to pass. I just will not worry about it. But I am going shopping for an outfit to interview in, I am getting an appointment to get my hair fixed, I have not had that done in MONTHS, and I am going to research, study and be ready when they call. Then if it does not happen, it will not because I was not ready or didn't try. So we will see, but I am so excited I can't hardly stand it. I just have a peace about this...honestly either way. I was not "looking" for a job, this one literally jumped out at me, and it just fits right into my passions in life. I did not want to go back to work, but this job to me sounds like I would be fine with going back to work, I already think about it and how it will be and how I want to do things with my time if I go back to work, and how the dogs will adjust to me being gone again. Poor babies! So we shall see.

My daughter has a JOB and she likes it! That is a good thing. After three months of a no paying job, and us paying her bills with no help from her father whatsoever, we are starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. She hated her life the way it was, and it was not from a lack of trying. No, she did not always make the best of choices. But she worked two jobs and got paid for neither of them. I have told her to file a complaint with the labor board, I researched it and they are wrong, they owe her the money and the labor board can/will take care of it. She just has to go there and do it. I have told her, I have fought with her, and I have cried over it.....it is no longer my problem. She is owed a LOT of money, I am paying nothing now, so it is up to her to right the wrong and to take care of things. She is very smart and I am an enabler. So now I am done. I have had a change of heart. Not that I don't love her, but now she will have to learn how to take care of things herself. She is very capable, and I need to let her. If she wants the money and wants to make things right with us, then she will do it, and if not, then there is NOTHING that I can do. I have all the faith in the world she will do it, when???? I don't know, she has had about three weeks to do it now, so when she gets desperate enough maybe she will. But I am done bugging her about it.

I have to learn that I can not control what everyone else does. Yes, their choices hurt others.....ME....but it is not all about me. Sometimes I will just have to hurt. Sometimes I don't understand why some people make the choices they make....and it makes me cry for I can see what the outcome is going to be. But I have to learn to let them make their own choices. That is where I am going to try to grow this year. I need to write in a journal, or read a self help book and learn how to let go of things. I am very concerned about my family and choices that are being made. I fear what the outcome of the future will hold and it is going to affect the children, us as parents, and of course friends. But it is not MY decision. I have talked till I am blue in the face yet the behavior continues knowing how her family feels and that it might in fact become a deal breaker. But it is not MY decision. Yes, I have said it before and will say it again, for I have to live that now.

My other family member is going to see changes in me too. Why is it that we tend to want to live our children's lives? I have decided a relationship has to be worked at by both parties. If one party does not work at it, then no matter how hard I try it will just not grow or flourish. I have tried for the past few years and it is just getting no where. I have no idea why, I have asked, I have tried to communicate, I have gone the extra mile to make things work and I hit a brick wall each time. So if that person does not want a relationship with me I need to just let it go. Does it hurt??? Yes it does....very much . More than I ever dreamed possible. I am such a people person, a people pleaser. But when it comes to the fact that I can not please no matter how hard I try, then I need to let it go. And 2010 is going to see just that. Maybe with time, and a little maturing things might change, I don't know. I would love it, don't see that happening, but you know what, I am ok with that. Will I stop loving my family? No, of course not, but I will not chase a relationship that is not respected on both sides.

Do you see my heart? Do you see where I am focusing myself? I am deciding to work with/towards things that I can change, or help or affect. I am going to let go of the dead weight, it is drowning me. My dear dear cousin whom I love as a sister...no, I love her as a dear dear friend, told me just the other day, she said, Lisa (that's what she calls me!) you have to let this...(stuff)........go. It is killing you and I don't want to see that. It is really killing you. I was having a very bad day. I called her crying which I just don't do that often, I am not a big crier. But I was having a REALLY bad day. And she talked with me for a long time, she spent her time showing me that the choices that "I" was making was not good, not healthy, and she did not want to lose me as her cousin. I thought about that and felt good to have that love shown and expressed to me and to make me see that "I" have to change. Well there is no better time to change than with a new year. So 2010, I plan to affect change. I have Dr. Appointments already scheduled, let's get this shoulder fixed, and then will go get all those "girl" appointments done, and really start working on getting this weight off. I have a 60th Wedding Anniversary to help with the end of July and I want to be able to take the pictures with no pain. I can do this. And I have already started. So 2010, turning 50, making changes, getting a new job, helping children, helping those that want my help, that is what this year, this new decade is going to be all about. Can I do it......you bet I can. Stay Tuned To See. I love a good challenge.

HAPPY NEW YEAR....look out world, here I come.