Monday, January 18, 2010

Beyond My Control

And Letting Go!!
OK, there is a big prayer going up that I find out this week about the job I interviewed for. I think I want it more than I have wanted anything in a very long time. But I have learned that it might be a difficult challenge. Oh wait....I worked for the Enid PD for nearly 22 years, can it really be any more difficult than that???? OK, that is just my humor showing off here? You know I loved my time with the PD. You know that working there I developed many skills in learning how to read people. Learning how to investigate lots of situations. I also have used my police skills in months past to help others in very critical situations that was a matter of keeping ones job or not. So being a police officer has been a wonderful way to spend my life and I sincerely have no regrets. NOT ONE.
I can honestly say as I grow older and deal with more and more experiences in life, that I am learning that pain is NEVER going to go away when it comes to disappointments. I also have learned that people are the same every where, that variable never changes. Locations, time and players may change, but life is pretty much the same regardless. One has to chose change in order for that to occur. And I chose change in my life. I'm glad that I have. I have always been one to stand on principals. I still do. I believe right is right and wrong is wrong. But I am also believe that we all make mistakes, we have the right to forgiveness, and we are going to make mistakes again. Know how I know???? Because darn it, it keeps happening to me. I also have learned that people are going to react how they want, people are going to read into things what ever they want, and people get mad because they want to. I am guilty of that. As I get older I try very hard to be upfront in life with people. It works for the most part. But sometimes life throws us a curve ball, a fast ball, puts a monkey wrench into the plans, etc. But I think what I have learned that affects me the most, is that I want what is best, what is good, for those I love. Sometimes those intentions are miss interpreted. Sometimes those intentions are not even wanted. But what I do know, that my heart is huge for people, no matter what the relationship to me. I have a LOVE for people. Sometimes my love, my passion, my desire and my innate right over wrong is not always a welcomed response. But I will not give up. I will not give in, and I will continue to always love those that are sometimes the hardest to love. That's who I am.
I feel this job may not be offered to me. And I am OK with that. That means there is somebody BETTER than me to do it. (well I hope so any ways!) Maybe I should say there is some one better for the job than me??? Yes, that sounds better. But I do know that no matter what the challenge, no matter what the issues, no matter what the personalities are....I will be determined to do what is right. I will be driven to be fair, to be responsible, to be honest, to listen, to speak softly, to be a good person no matter what the endeavor, or who I am dealing with. Kind of like how I feel about being a mother, or a step mother. It is full of challenges, some that cause pain, and many that bring joys beyond measure. So parenting, supervising, it is all the same from my perspective at this time. It is all about caring. And when one stops caring, then it is time for a change. Because it is all about caring, caring about others, about what I say, what I do, how that makes them feel. I am learning however I can not control how others feel. I can not control what others do. But I can control how I react,how I believe and how I can not lose who I am in the midst of it. I am God's child. I have not relied on Him much lately. Could do it myself. Didn't talk to Him much, I was in control. Man, why does it take a heart break, or a difficult situation to make us look towards Him for help? Because I am stubborn too, because I am wrong at times, because I fall short time after time , and because I am real. Because I love with all my heart, and I am sorry for when I disappoint. Whether it is my Heavenly Father, my own earthly parents, my daughter, my step-daughter, my son, their families, friends, co-workers, I fall short. I have failed. But I will try again, because I love.....and I am not a quitter.
I LOVE A GOOD CHALLENGE. (or, I love a GOD challenge!)
We will see what He has in store for me hopefully this week. Keep me in your prayers will you?


Marge said...

My dear friend, I think you are on the way! You sound better today than you have in a long time! And I'm going to venture a guess why. You have let go and God is in charge! I'm so happy for you. I'll get you an email soon, but until then remember this:


I try to keep this as my motto and it always works......if I do my part of letting it go.

Love you!

claudia said...

Prayers are going out to you as I type.
You do sound better. I am glad for that. Keep it up, keep yourself up.
And yes...
Letting go and letting God, works!

Mental P Mama said...

I am holding on to nothing but good thoughts for you!

Memaw's memories said...

Hopefully, you will get the job. As for all the control issues--I have them too, and sometimes I just get tied up in knots. I stop and take a deep breath and let God take over.

You hang in and hang with Him.