Monday, May 31, 2010

Life's Happenings

Hello All
Well life continues on. Have you notices that no matter what is going on in your world, life really does continues to spin. As it should be. There is a lot going on here in my world too.
Zoe is still in my life, but just barely. I have really struggled with this, but each day I look at her and she is wasting away. I know the end is very near and my heart just breaks. But then I think that I have to do what is best for her. This is NOT about me and let me assure you it has NEVER been about me. I don't care what anyone else thinks, I am not keeping her around for me, I am keeping her alive because SHE wants to live. But now I feel she is just worn out. She is struggling and I know she is still so happy, she has NEVER been grumpy one bit, but she is wearing down. So I feel in my heart this week will come to an end for her, she is not eating and it is not fair to make her live a life where she can not eat. I love her more than any words can tell you. And I hate that life makes us make these decisions. But she has brought me more joy in my life than anything.
Our kitchen is nearly complete. I am so excited. But this kitchen has been extremely difficult for Scott. The cabinets are NOT the quality that he would have put into them. And the parts were not all delivered as they should have been, two cabinets were not even the right ones. So this has been very stressful for Scott. Now for me, it has been pretty much a breeze! (just kidding, if Scott is stressed it causes me pain as well. I don't like seeing him struggle) The cabinets are very pretty, and Scott has done a great job pulling it all together. But let me assure you of this....NEVER again will we ever buy cabinets. They are so cheaply made, and cost so much. However, I have only been waiting for two and a half years for this kitchen to get remodeled and I asked Scott if he was ok with the cabinets. He gave the final approval, so I don't feel too guilty. (maybe next time he will move just a little bit quicker huh?) I did find the microwave, ventahood on sale at Sears. I was happy about that. Then we ran over to Lowe's and found the faucet on sale as well. I didn't get the doors that I ordered, but I have been living with the other ones now for over a week and I think they are going to be just fine. So I can cancel the order and save $300.00, and it is worth it to me. After the kitchen is done, I will try to post some before and after pictures. I am so happy that my house is starting to look just a bit more modern! Thursday the counter tops will be here.....wooohooo, can't wait!
I am getting to become a non fan of face book. When I first signed on I was excited to reconnect with friends. I have not lived in Sand Springs in about 30 years so reconnecting meant a lot to me. It allowed me to stay connected to my friends from Enid and now reconnect with friends here and of course family. But I have decided it is the family thing that has caused the most grief. There are things being said on face book that I would never say to a person face. And I feel if you aren't going to say it to ones face why would you post it on the Internet for everyone else to read? Now things have been posted that are opinions derived from lies and angry people. Want to guess who it was written about? I didn't even know it was about me at the beginning, but it went on and I was not only the victim of this garbage, but it carried over to others. When I asked for it to stop, phone calls were made to my mother. All of it was denied....yet it was right there on the Internet. I don't understand why anyone would do that. I love my family, and now I am so wounded by their words and actions. Why is it that family has to be this way. This is not done by my blood family, but it still hurts just the same. I have decided that I have to just let my world keep spinning. I know what is right and what is wrong. I know that I have done what is right....I tend to ALWAYS try and take the high road ( and honestly I do get VERY tired of it.....once I would like to do something MEAN, I would like to be HATEFUL, I would like to CUSS someone out and just unload....but that is NOT what is right!) I try, I try VERY hard to do what is right. No I am not always right, and I certainly am not perfect....but I give it my all, I put my heart right out there, and it keeps getting stomped on. I just don't understand it, I really don't. I have more love in my heart than what you could ever measure. I try to be good to everyone, I give everyone the benefit of the doubt. But I will tell you this.....once you betray me, once you purposely hurt me, once you cut my throat, stab me in the back, I don't forget it. I may get over this, it will take time and I might get over it, but until then, I will not try to maintain a relationship. TRUE relationships MUST work both ways, and when it is not important to both people or groups of people, to try to be considerate of each other, then that relationship is doomed. I am finding it is so much easier to have friends rather than family and that BREAKS my heart. Zoe never hurt me, never betrayed me, unlike the humans in my life and now I have to kill her. Life is NOT fair. But while I am here dealing with all this.....the world keeps spinning.

Friday, May 21, 2010

50 IS Pretty Nifty

Best Birthday Ever

Well I have not posted in a while, been pretty tough around here. Zoe is holding her own and yesterday was a good day for her. But MY yesterday is a whole other story. I turned 50...yes that is right the big 5-0. And you know what? It was wonderful. Having a birthday party was/is a BIG deal to me. I have only had one birthday party in my life and that is when I was maybe 8 or 9 years old. However, yesterday was filled with so many good things.
We started the day very early and went to Stillwater to watch my grandson be a boll weevil in the school play "Bugs". I didn't take my camera, I wanted to just be grandma and enjoy the program. Their school is small on space and large on students and parents so you can't see very well at all, can't hear very well at all, and Caleb was there and then gone. Then came back later to sing and dance the Army Any song. It was about 30 minutes but it was well worth the drive there and back. We took Caleb to lunch, he wanted to go to Pizza Hut and we went. Taking him back to school, dropping him off, he said, I miss you grandma, when can I come stay with you? I didn't know what to say, told him to ask him mom and dad and he can come when ever they will let him. I hugged him, kissed him on the head and he did what he ALWAYS does.....he takes his little hand and he rubs in the kiss so it will stay. He has done that long as I can remember and it is so sweet. He smiled at me with that big boy smile, walked into the hall and walked away. He turned back around and gave me a little wave and went off to class. I walked out of the school and a tear slipped down my cheek. In ONE YEAR he will be gone....In ONE YEAR he will be moving to the east coast if his mom and dad are still in the Navy then and still together. Nobody knows the future, who knows what next year will bring, but in ONE YEAR, my world is going to be turned completely upside down. There is no way to explain to "some" people what a grandchild means. How you so look forward to a phone call from them, or an overnight visit. Those cards on Mother's Day, or your Birthday, or Grandparents Day. A drawing from their little hands to be placed on the refrigerator with pride. Yes, grandchildren are special in ways that only some people can understand.
I came home from the program and checked the mail. I hoped that maybe I would get a birthday card. I can pretty well count on one hand who I might get a card from on my special day. It is Aunt Peggy =), or Linda J =), and then maybe .....nope, that's pretty much it! But yesterday I opened the mailbox and oh my gosh.....I had several cards. I could not believe it. One card I didn't even know the return address.....wait, it was from someone in L.A. I thought about it, I looked a little closer and the name was Bern, OH MY GOSH......that is a blogger friend that I have enjoyed getting to know, how in the world? And then I look a little closer and there are other cards with address that I did not recognize. My heart leaped with joy. This was super weird though. I get on the computer and check my facebook (tons!!!!! of birthday wishes there), then I remembered something, I was signed out of facebook one day and I had NOT done that. I was seeing all these clues but could not put it together. I went into my message center on facebook and checked the sent box .....nothing there. This was just too stinkin weird. My daughter called and I told her I had cards in the mail today, a bunch of them. And from addresses I didn't recognize. She made some comment, I don't remember what, life went on. I took me quite a while to figure out she had something to do with this. She hacked into my facebook account and sent messages to all my friends and asked for them to send me cards. She sent so many messages that she got blocked from facebook for two days for she was considered to be spamming. She said it was terrible to get blocked from facebook! I laughed at her! I think that was really really sweet of her to go to that trouble to send messages to my friends to send me a card. She said she hoped I really am friends with every one on my facebook for they all have my address now!!!! I told her I was, I don't just friend everyone that asks me to on facebook, I have to know them or won't accept them. I kept my cards and waited till dinner to open them.
Dinner....oh yes, Dinner. Beth asked me what I would like to do for my birthday dinner. I usually have liver and onions with mashed potatoes and then strawberry shortcake for dessert. but I don't have a kitchen right now due to the remodel job taking place AND I don't think Beth likes liver and onions. (don't remember her ever eating it before). So I said I wanted to go to the Melting Pot. Never have been there and I have always wanted to try it. We head over there (Beth and her boyfriend Matt, Scott and myself) to dinner and realize, I don't know where it is. Thank goodness Beth has Internet on her phone and she located the address. I thought I knew where it was and come to find out, I was right. We got there only a couple minutes late. Walked in and there sat my cousin Jill who is like my sister, her husband Toby and their grown married daughter Courtney. Three of my favorite people showed up too. I was shocked, surprised and pleased!. Jill is not a birthday person. She does not "do"birthdays but she is so thoughtful knowing that I DO, DO birthdays. And here they were at one of the most expensive places to do dinner and they did not even bat an eye. I feel so special. A gift on the table and more cards. So while we waited on food and waited for the "process" or "experience" or whatever you want to call it, I opened my cards. I read each one and savored how EACH card truly fitted the person sending it, and how it fitted me....perfectly. I loved it. It was truly such a special event. And I can tell you this.....if you decide to go to the Melting Pot, just cut to the chase and go for the dessert. Oh my gosh, strawberries, marshmallows, rice crispy treats, cheesecake, pound cake, brownies, all that to be dipped into a luscious chocolate melted to perfection. The cheese with veggies was good. The broth and meats were delicious. The lettuce wrap was .....awful...but the dessert.....was WONDERFUL. Worth every single penny we spent....and there were quite a few pennies!!!!
Now Saturday, we are having a PARTY. I am so excited. Poor Beth started out just planning a simple gathering of my brothers and their families and us. I wanted more than that. I love my family, there is a lot of stress and tension in my family right now that I am NOT going to write about. But sometimes I NEED my friends. I have some really good friends that are new to me here in Sand Springs. I have some really good friends left behind in Enid, and I wanted some of my friends to be invited. Well my mom didn't want outsiders so Beth said she would have it at her house. After my list got longer, I told her we needed to check at the community center and get a room there. So we did. Today she went and got the decorations, I am making a list of the foods I want to fix, keeping it very simple of course, and I need to find a punch (an easy one!) and then tomorrow, TOMORROW, I shall celebrate my second birthday party. At the age of Fifty I feel so giddy. I feel special, I feel......I don't know, it is a really good feeling. My feelings have been hurt by some that forgot me on mothers day, and some one else forgot my birthday that really has no excuse. but I can't control that. Family is something extra special and important to me....But I have to remember my values can not be imposed on everyone else's value system. That is very hurtful... this tough ole cop, tough as nails, can a soft side. And that is my family. Not too many things really can get to me... I can shut myself down very easily to activate a self defense mode. But tomorrow, I will feel loved, I will feel validated, I will feel special. I think two times in fifty years is not too much to ask for. I do not feel selfish by expecting this. I don't expect everyone else to understand it either. It just is what it is and it is me.....turning/celebrating 50 !!!!!
Thank you friends for making it such a special one for me!
Love to you all,

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Tough Week or Two

My past couple weeks....
I know, I usually post pictures and you will be very disappointed (maybe not) but this posting is not about pictures. Let me see if I can find just one so hang on will you.

Yes, this is about Zoe. You see she is getting grey around the edges, and I noticed a while back she was losing weight. So I feared the worst...boxer+age=cancer. Boxers are known for cancer in the later years of their lives and so I just knew this was the outcome. She started throwing up and not eating as good as usual so I feared the worst and took her to the vet. Why? I don't confirm it? I took her in to see the vet, a wonderfully compassionate vet. She is young, sweet, kind, cute, I just can't say anything bad about her, she is great. She took Zoe outside to do a urine sample, drew blood to test for about everything under the sun and called me Monday evening soon as she could with the results. Everything showed just fine. When we were in the office she listened to her heart and lungs, felt all around her body and was very convincing that there is no cancer. She said that since Zoe "feels" so good, playful,etc, she just did not feel there was any cancer. We put her on medicine and the next two weeks were....up and down. I thought things were getting better. But then I was finding "accidents" in the house. Looked like Zoe was having a bad chase of the runs if you know what I mean. I was frustrated at cleaning up the carpet, steam cleaning it every other day or so was starting to wear on me. But one night I decided to sleep in the living room with Zoe. To just be there when/if she got sick. She did. But instead of it being the runs, she was throwing up. Dark brown vomit...this can't be good. I call the vet again and get her right in. I cried. I cried all morning, I cried soon as I walked into the office and a sweet family says, "oh it's a boxer and she is soooo pretty", I started crying....I felt stupid....STUPID. This little boy came over and loved on her, petted her, the dad just petted her and kept saying to his young wife, "see, this is what I want, she is so pretty and calm, and just look at her, honey this is the kind of dog I want, why can't I have one of these?" I laughed inside thinking, this is the daddy not the three year saying all of this, what's wrong with THIS picture??? But the tears kept slipping out of my eyes and down my face. I couldn't stop them. I tried, I am not a big crier and I sure don't cry IN PUBLIC. That is something reserved for alone time, personal time, NEVER out in public and especially around kind people talking about my sweet girl. I finally was able to speak and quietly say to the kind family that my girl was sick and she is getting old. They said, well we hope all goes well and you have good news. I cried more. That is exactly what I was hopping for.

Finally the girl took us to a room, we had weighed Zoe and she had lost another six pounds in two weeks time. Before that she had lost 12/13 pounds in the past few months I am guessing. Hard to tell when you see the day in and day out. But my poor Zoe was now showing her backbone, and her muscle mass is gone. I know what is going to be said....I feel it in MY bones...I just feel it. This is the day that all my fears are going to be confirmed. The nurse (whom I don't know, have never seen before, just like the girl at the desk, I am guessing they have a new staff here for some odd reason and I don't like that!) She took Zoe and they did some X-rays, the doctor came back and once again...results are fine. I don't get this. I just don't get it. Her blood work is good, her x-rays are fine, what is going on?

I brought her home and we have an appointment with a specialist on Tuesday morning. But last night was TERRIBLE. I am sleeping in the living room with Zoe on her bed and the other dogs sleep in the living room with me. She got up several times in the night to go outside, probably to be sick. She is not eating ANYTHING at all and so I know this is not good. I can't stop crying. I am just not ready to give up my girl. Sunday morning she was in a daze...she looked terrible and just walked around the yard. She would dig at the fence and I feared she was trying to get out so she could go away to die. She is not old enough for this to be happening. She is not even 10 yet. She looked terrible, slobber hanging out of both sides of her mouth, her feet were wet and dirty, she is bone thin and has this sad sad look on her face. I bring her back in the house, cleaned her mouth, her feet and had her to lay down. I just laid beside her and gave her a massage. I rubbed her head, her neck, her back, shoulders and gently rubbed her tummy. she was relaxed and acted as if she liked it. She seemed as if she was resting. After a bit of running in and out with the other dogs I finally convinced her to get up on the sofa to rest a bit. She did. Scott came home and I had asked him to bring some Arby's sandwiches. The dogs love those sandwiches and Zoe acted as if she wanted one. So I gave her some really small pieces of meat and she ate it! We did this for a little bit and she went in to rest some more. After a couple hours she got up and Scott said she got sick out side. So now I don't know what to do. I just pray that she will make it till Tuesday so I can see if there is a SIMPLE solution to this issue or a confirmation to my greatest fears. Or if God sees it fit to take her home to just her pass in her sleep in the night. I will cry. I do that anyways.

I know this is NOTHING compared to what so many of you have gone through. I have not lost a parent, a sibling, or child, only my grandparents (you expect that) and then my dearest friend to cancer. That was hard! Very hard! Probably the hardest thing I have EVER been through in my life. Cathy was not suppose to die, she was young, and I was not ready to let her go either. I have a bad habit of withdrawing when I am in pain. This is no different. I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to go anywhere, and I don't want to let go. I hate this part of life. I don't want this to happen. Why does it have to?

Zoe has been the best "dog" I have every had. Ten years ago I told Beth to go pick a dog out to take to college with her when she was going to go. She had said she was going to OU to study medicine and I wanted a big dog to go with her. Well she picked Zoe out and I fell in love with her. I sent Beth to school, UCO (University of Central Oklahoma in Edmond) not OU and she went WITHOUT Zoe. Zoe has brought me so much joy. I am not saying I would rather something happen to one of my kids, of course not, but I want to tell you this....not ONE time has Zoe ever asked for money, lied to me, got drunk, hurt me, betrayed me, wrote anything hateful, hurtful or a lie about me on facebook, she has never done anything to purposely make me mad and even when I am the most UNLOVABLE, she loves me. She is ALWAYS happy to see, loves it when I come home even if I was gone for only 30 minutes. She is funny, playful, loving, kind, loyal and the best thing that ever happened in my life. All I can do is tell her how much I LOVE her, and how much I appreciate all she has done for me in her life. How she has loved the grandkids, the DARE kids, the college students, the other guests in our home. How she has protected me from people who loved to see her play. I used to pick on my friend Mike and she would start flea biting ME. the only way to get her to stop was to tell her "cookie Zoe, cookie" and she would stop. It was so funny to see her get me instead of the person I was trying to "sic" her on. She would never hurt a flea, well, person. Her little nub still wiggles even though I know she doesn't feel good. She still puts her head in my hand and just lays there. She still looks at me with those eyes that say love is unconditional. They are not animals, SHE is my girl, my friend, my Momma Zoe. I am going to pray that she is going to be ok, I AM NOT READY TO LET HER GO.