Monday, May 31, 2010
Well life continues on. Have you notices that no matter what is going on in your world, life really does continues to spin. As it should be. There is a lot going on here in my world too.
Zoe is still in my life, but just barely. I have really struggled with this, but each day I look at her and she is wasting away. I know the end is very near and my heart just breaks. But then I think that I have to do what is best for her. This is NOT about me and let me assure you it has NEVER been about me. I don't care what anyone else thinks, I am not keeping her around for me, I am keeping her alive because SHE wants to live. But now I feel she is just worn out. She is struggling and I know she is still so happy, she has NEVER been grumpy one bit, but she is wearing down. So I feel in my heart this week will come to an end for her, she is not eating and it is not fair to make her live a life where she can not eat. I love her more than any words can tell you. And I hate that life makes us make these decisions. But she has brought me more joy in my life than anything.
Our kitchen is nearly complete. I am so excited. But this kitchen has been extremely difficult for Scott. The cabinets are NOT the quality that he would have put into them. And the parts were not all delivered as they should have been, two cabinets were not even the right ones. So this has been very stressful for Scott. Now for me, it has been pretty much a breeze! (just kidding, if Scott is stressed it causes me pain as well. I don't like seeing him struggle) The cabinets are very pretty, and Scott has done a great job pulling it all together. But let me assure you of this....NEVER again will we ever buy cabinets. They are so cheaply made, and cost so much. However, I have only been waiting for two and a half years for this kitchen to get remodeled and I asked Scott if he was ok with the cabinets. He gave the final approval, so I don't feel too guilty. (maybe next time he will move just a little bit quicker huh?) I did find the microwave, ventahood on sale at Sears. I was happy about that. Then we ran over to Lowe's and found the faucet on sale as well. I didn't get the doors that I ordered, but I have been living with the other ones now for over a week and I think they are going to be just fine. So I can cancel the order and save $300.00, and it is worth it to me. After the kitchen is done, I will try to post some before and after pictures. I am so happy that my house is starting to look just a bit more modern! Thursday the counter tops will be here.....wooohooo, can't wait!
I am getting to become a non fan of face book. When I first signed on I was excited to reconnect with friends. I have not lived in Sand Springs in about 30 years so reconnecting meant a lot to me. It allowed me to stay connected to my friends from Enid and now reconnect with friends here and of course family. But I have decided it is the family thing that has caused the most grief. There are things being said on face book that I would never say to a person face. And I feel if you aren't going to say it to ones face why would you post it on the Internet for everyone else to read? Now things have been posted that are opinions derived from lies and angry people. Want to guess who it was written about? I didn't even know it was about me at the beginning, but it went on and I was not only the victim of this garbage, but it carried over to others. When I asked for it to stop, phone calls were made to my mother. All of it was denied....yet it was right there on the Internet. I don't understand why anyone would do that. I love my family, and now I am so wounded by their words and actions. Why is it that family has to be this way. This is not done by my blood family, but it still hurts just the same. I have decided that I have to just let my world keep spinning. I know what is right and what is wrong. I know that I have done what is right....I tend to ALWAYS try and take the high road ( and honestly I do get VERY tired of it.....once I would like to do something MEAN, I would like to be HATEFUL, I would like to CUSS someone out and just unload....but that is NOT what is right!) I try, I try VERY hard to do what is right. No I am not always right, and I certainly am not perfect....but I give it my all, I put my heart right out there, and it keeps getting stomped on. I just don't understand it, I really don't. I have more love in my heart than what you could ever measure. I try to be good to everyone, I give everyone the benefit of the doubt. But I will tell you this.....once you betray me, once you purposely hurt me, once you cut my throat, stab me in the back, I don't forget it. I may get over this, it will take time and I might get over it, but until then, I will not try to maintain a relationship. TRUE relationships MUST work both ways, and when it is not important to both people or groups of people, to try to be considerate of each other, then that relationship is doomed. I am finding it is so much easier to have friends rather than family and that BREAKS my heart. Zoe never hurt me, never betrayed me, unlike the humans in my life and now I have to kill her. Life is NOT fair. But while I am here dealing with all this.....the world keeps spinning.