Tough Week or Two

My past couple weeks....

I know, I usually post pictures and you will be very disappointed (maybe not) but this posting is not about pictures. Let me see if I can find just one so hang on will you.

Yes, this is about Zoe. You see she is getting grey around the edges, and I noticed a while back she was losing weight. So I feared the worst...boxer+age=cancer. Boxers are known for cancer in the later years of their lives and so I just knew this was the outcome. She started throwing up and not eating as good as usual so I feared the worst and took her to the vet. Why? I don't know....to confirm it? I took her in to see the vet, a wonderfully compassionate vet. She is young, sweet, kind, cute, I just can't say anything bad about her, she is great. She took Zoe outside to do a urine sample, drew blood to test for about everything under the sun and called me Monday evening soon as she could with the results. Everything showed just fine. When we were in the office she listened to her heart and lungs, felt all around her body and was very convincing that there is no cancer. She said that since Zoe "feels" so good, playful,etc, she just did not feel there was any cancer. We put her on medicine and the next two weeks were....up and down. I thought things were getting better. But then I was finding "accidents" in the house. Looked like Zoe was having a bad chase of the runs if you know what I mean. I was frustrated at cleaning up the carpet, steam cleaning it every other day or so was starting to wear on me. But one night I decided to sleep in the living room with Zoe. To just be there when/if she got sick. She did. But instead of it being the runs, she was throwing up. Dark brown vomit...this can't be good. I call the vet again and get her right in. I cried. I cried all morning, I cried soon as I walked into the office and a sweet family says, "oh it's a boxer and she is soooo pretty", I started crying....I felt stupid....STUPID. This little boy came over and loved on her, petted her, the dad just petted her and kept saying to his young wife, "see, this is what I want, she is so pretty and calm, and just look at her, honey this is the kind of dog I want, why can't I have one of these?" I laughed inside thinking, this is the daddy not the three year saying all of this, what's wrong with THIS picture??? But the tears kept slipping out of my eyes and down my face. I couldn't stop them. I tried, I am not a big crier and I sure don't cry IN PUBLIC. That is something reserved for alone time, personal time, NEVER out in public and especially around kind people talking about my sweet girl. I finally was able to speak and quietly say to the kind family that my girl was sick and she is getting old. They said, well we hope all goes well and you have good news. I cried more. That is exactly what I was hopping for.

Finally the girl took us to a room, we had weighed Zoe and she had lost another six pounds in two weeks time. Before that she had lost 12/13 pounds in the past few months I am guessing. Hard to tell when you see the day in and day out. But my poor Zoe was now showing her backbone, and her muscle mass is gone. I know what is going to be said....I feel it in MY bones...I just feel it. This is the day that all my fears are going to be confirmed. The nurse (whom I don't know, have never seen before, just like the girl at the desk, I am guessing they have a new staff here for some odd reason and I don't like that!) She took Zoe and they did some X-rays, the doctor came back and once again...results are fine. I don't get this. I just don't get it. Her blood work is good, her x-rays are fine, what is going on?

I brought her home and we have an appointment with a specialist on Tuesday morning. But last night was TERRIBLE. I am sleeping in the living room with Zoe on her bed and the other dogs sleep in the living room with me. She got up several times in the night to go outside, probably to be sick. She is not eating ANYTHING at all and so I know this is not good. I can't stop crying. I am just not ready to give up my girl. Sunday morning she was in a daze...she looked terrible and just walked around the yard. She would dig at the fence and I feared she was trying to get out so she could go away to die. She is not old enough for this to be happening. She is not even 10 yet. She looked terrible, slobber hanging out of both sides of her mouth, her feet were wet and dirty, she is bone thin and has this sad sad look on her face. I bring her back in the house, cleaned her mouth, her feet and had her to lay down. I just laid beside her and gave her a massage. I rubbed her head, her neck, her back, shoulders and gently rubbed her tummy. she was relaxed and acted as if she liked it. She seemed as if she was resting. After a bit of running in and out with the other dogs I finally convinced her to get up on the sofa to rest a bit. She did. Scott came home and I had asked him to bring some Arby's sandwiches. The dogs love those sandwiches and Zoe acted as if she wanted one. So I gave her some really small pieces of meat and she ate it! We did this for a little bit and she went in to rest some more. After a couple hours she got up and Scott said she got sick out side. So now I don't know what to do. I just pray that she will make it till Tuesday so I can see if there is a SIMPLE solution to this issue or a confirmation to my greatest fears. Or if God sees it fit to take her home to just her pass in her sleep in the night. I will cry. I do that anyways.

I know this is NOTHING compared to what so many of you have gone through. I have not lost a parent, a sibling, or child, only my grandparents (you expect that) and then my dearest friend to cancer. That was hard! Very hard! Probably the hardest thing I have EVER been through in my life. Cathy was not suppose to die, she was young, and I was not ready to let her go either. I have a bad habit of withdrawing when I am in pain. This is no different. I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to go anywhere, and I don't want to let go. I hate this part of life. I don't want this to happen. Why does it have to?

Zoe has been the best "dog" I have every had. Ten years ago I told Beth to go pick a dog out to take to college with her when she was going to go. She had said she was going to OU to study medicine and I wanted a big dog to go with her. Well she picked Zoe out and I fell in love with her. I sent Beth to school, UCO (University of Central Oklahoma in Edmond) not OU and she went WITHOUT Zoe. Zoe has brought me so much joy. I am not saying I would rather something happen to one of my kids, of course not, but I want to tell you this....not ONE time has Zoe ever asked for money, lied to me, got drunk, hurt me, betrayed me, wrote anything hateful, hurtful or a lie about me on facebook, she has never done anything to purposely make me mad and even when I am the most UNLOVABLE, she loves me. She is ALWAYS happy to see, loves it when I come home even if I was gone for only 30 minutes. She is funny, playful, loving, kind, loyal and the best thing that ever happened in my life. All I can do is tell her how much I LOVE her, and how much I appreciate all she has done for me in her life. How she has loved the grandkids, the DARE kids, the college students, the other guests in our home. How she has protected me from people who loved to see her play. I used to pick on my friend Mike and she would start flea biting ME. the only way to get her to stop was to tell her "cookie Zoe, cookie" and she would stop. It was so funny to see her get me instead of the person I was trying to "sic" her on. She would never hurt a flea, well, person. Her little nub still wiggles even though I know she doesn't feel good. She still puts her head in my hand and just lays there. She still looks at me with those eyes that say love is unconditional. They are not animals, SHE is my girl, my friend, my Momma Zoe. I am going to pray that she is going to be ok, I AM NOT READY TO LET HER GO.