Thursday, June 10, 2010
I just wanted to let you know, those that do not follow me on facebook, that Zoe passed away Friday June 4th, 2010 at 12:24 pm. I have never cried so hard in all my life. And when I was feeling very shallow for crying SO hard over a "dog" (my four legged child, friend, loyal faithful companion) I remembered, I have never lost anything that I was so attached to. In all my life, my 50 years on this earth, I have been truly blessed to have not lost many in my life. Yes, I have lost my grandparents, and that was hard. But I did not live close to them, saw them rarely, loved them dearly, but distance did make it different. Same with losing my aunt and uncle. When you do not have a connection with someone, when you don't ever see them, the relationship is not as strong. So this death has been very difficult for me. I am fine. I am sad, but fine. I am still grieving very much, cry at weird times, and yes, I am sad, a lot. But I know I am going to be fine. I do look at the big picture, I know that Zoe was not going to be here forever, 10 years and 20 days. I was not ready to let her go, but I have said before ....this is not about me, this is about my special girl. She finally told me the last week that she was tired. She had a hard time getting around, she would not eat, and I tried EVERYTHING. When she looked at me for the first time with those eyes and I saw not really sadness, but tiredness, I knew it was time. When she had a hard time getting outside (and she NEVER had an accident in the house, even during this sickness!) she looked lost, I knew the time was close. I prayed a lot, I prayed that God would just take her, please don't MAKE me make the decision. That is the part I have the hardest time with. I know I know, everyone says it is the "humane" thing to do. Well I don't see it that way. I see it as taking a life. I took her life. She did not die, I took her life. That is the hardest part for me to get over. I miss her. I miss her not greeting me at the front door, or at the gate. I miss her not sitting by me and putting her head in my lap. I miss her. I just miss her. A LOT. How is it that some people get really attached to dogs, or pets in general. How come others don't? What does that say about me....or others? I have always said that I in fact have a bit of attachment disorder. I have said about myself often that I can give things up and give things away with little emotional distress. But when it came to Zoe and her offspring, I have never NEVER never had this type of feelings towards anyone or anything. Now I truly dread the end for Rudy and Callie. I do not want another dog, I don't want any other pets, that might change, but right now the pain is just too raw.
But on to happier things.....the kitchen is getting nearly done. There are still a few things waiting to be completed. One 15" cabinet is not in yet, four doors need to be replaced or installed, the back splash needs to be installed and then finish painting and cleaning up. I am gaining on it. but boy howdy, in the mean time, my yard is sure being neglected...oh my goodness. So we still have much to do. We are moving Beth ONCE again this weekend. It did not work out for her to rent from my elderly cousin and without taking sides, I think it is best the Beth move on to another place. She found a house two miles from her work so that will save a ton of money on gasoline since she drives an SUV. She is paying out the nose on utilities so hopefully this house will be better in that respect. It is a newer home, more sound, a bit smaller but I think it will be a much better place for her. It also has a 6 ft wooden fence all around it and hopefully will be much more secure for her dogs. Please keep Beth in your prayers that she will be successful in this home...for I do not know what she will do if this one falls through. But I think she will be so much happier in her new home, I really do. The town is a wonderful little town that is growing by leaps and bounds, but does not have the traffic congestion of a big city, plus it boarders Tulsa so she can still go to Tulsa if she "needs" to. She will really do good in Owasso.
I will close for now. I am fixing dinner in my almost completed new kitchen. I will post some pictures one day here pretty soon. I just love the look and feel AND function of this new kitchen. One bright spot to be thankful for and I am. Besides all my friends. Thanks you all.