Oh Dear deer!

Oh Deer!!

Fawn on the left, Buck in the middle and Doe by the fence

These three are not very far from my fence and sure not far from the house.

The weather is about 20 degrees cooler than it has been in several days and weeks. That might be why they are on the move so much. There was another doe but the picture did not post from Picasa for some reason. This was taken about 2:00 in the afternoon. About 5:00 p.m. there were more deer in our front yard. I saw another buck, not sure it was the same one, I think it is a smaller one. And then there was also another doe. I am feeding the deer on a regular basis now so the word might have gotten out. The hummingbirds are flying like crazy today as well. I think the weather front has the animals all in a tizzy. A good one at that. Plus my dogs got the trash compactor bags out and undid all of them all over the kitchen floor while we were gone to lunch. Good grief. I did not take a picture of that. I wound them back up as quickly as I could for my folks were on their way to the house and I needed to get it back in order! those silly dogs drive me crazy but I would not have them any other way! Hope you enjoyed my deer picture, and Cara, there is the fawn like you wanted!

Some Healing Began

Today a hurt was mended!

If you have been with me any length of time, you probably know that I have been very bitter over the leaving of my previous job, ie life,a police officer. I spent 21 and a half years at that place giving my heart, body and soul to it each and every day that I put on the uniform. I have funny stories, sad one, and some incredible memories from that time in my life. I spent many years teaching the youth of our community the dangers of drugs, alcohol and bad choices. But I gave more than lessons, I lived it as well. I opened my home, my heart, and my family to the community. And I was well respected, well blessed, well received by the parents, children, teachers, administration of educators, grandparents and the general public of our community. But not my peers.

I have always felt my peers did not accept or approve of the work I did in the DARE program. What a shame. I have always felt that kids love police but do not always find us approachable. The DARE program makes that one of the main priorities, the contact, the connection between police and the kids. The relationship that the officer develops with the young people by eating lunch with them, playing on the play ground, going to their plays, their ballgames and even having them in my home for pizza parties or some other play even by the classroom. I have had 20, 30 and more kids at my home at one time. We had wonderful times together.

Acceptance/Recognition

Everyone needs to be accepted for who they are. EVERYONE needs to feel special, needs to be recognized for who they are and what they do. These are basic social needs. we all have them, at all ages. The DARE program is one of those feel good programs that everyone loves to hate. If you are not in the middle of it, if you do not experience it first hand in a positive way, then it is very easy to discount it. To find fault in it, and to honestly, maybe, even be a little jealous of it.

After serving nearly 22 years at that department, it was time for me to go. I could not stand the stress, the hatefulness, the bitterness, the lack of respect, lack of support and the lies from the administration at my department. I had fought long, I had fought hard, and I had fought furiously for many years and I was tired. Tired of fighting, tired of being lied to, tired of being made fun of, tired of being discriminated against, I was just tired. It is like fighting a cancer that is attacking your body. You fight, you try to find treatments, and ways of dealing with this ...this consumption of your body. It eats away your energy, your spirit, your health. Cancer kills you. And this cancer was killing me. It was spreading too. My attitude was causing a bitterness that I had never seen in myself. But there was a straw that broke the camel's back so to speak. That did it. My spirit was completely broken. Along with my heart. I was put under investigation for being in violation of chain of command and being unprofessional. Yes, my spirit was finally broken and could not be fixed any longer. Unprofessional? You have got to be kidding. I tried to be the example of professionalism in that police department. But the cancer was to far advanced and the fight was just getting to be too much. It was defeating me. I have the answers to many of the problems our children face. I have the ANSWERS....but no one wants to ask me the questions nor listen to the answers. After 16 years of being in that field, and having a heart for children, I have learned a few things. I had the answers. But no body wanted to listen, no body that could do anything about it that is. The fight was over. I turned in my notice of retirement, got in trouble for going to eat lunch on my last day of work (I kid you not!!!) cleaned out my office, my desk, my years of accumulations by myself (with the help of my husband at least!). I left without a handshake, with out a goodbye, without a kick in the pants from my fellow officers and my chief. The only people that acknowledged me were the six girls in front records. Those ladies baked me a cake, we said goodbye. But the bitterness stayed with me.

Today I went back:

Today after signing papers in Enid at the Insurance Office ( I love my insurance people and those are not words I use together very often...love/insurance!) we ran by the police department for me to pick up my retired officer card! Yes, one year later I had to drive two hours to pick up my piece of paper! But I spent about two hours there. I went in to see "my girls" first. I took some pictures, shared my pictures from my photography classes and we talked! We laughed, we hugged, and we gloated because I am retired and not living in Enid any more!!! (Ok, "I" gloated!) My old buddy Tom came in and gave me a hug (my husband was with me!) and we talked about horses and kids and his dad for a long time. He has now made Captain! Way to go Tom. I saw Tommy, the same guy that joined the department with me! My brother, who retired one month before me, but he came back as a civilian and is a supervisor for the 911 dispatch center. Oh it was good to see Tommy. I ran by his house and took pictures of his horses, they are beautiful and he is getting quite a little herd of this Haflingers, small draft horses used for pulling. Beautiful animals. Then I saw Scott M. He is my other brother, he joined with Tommy and me and I have written stories about these guys here in my other postings. It was sure good to see him. He adopted a baby 3 years ago thanks to my daughter who had a friend that was pregnant and needed a good home for the baby that she could not keep. I even saw my former Lieutenant and we visited for quite a while about farming, kids and former officers. It was very good to see him today. The assistant chief came walking by in a funky shirt of some kind and shorts. I am guessing he was on his day off and just stopped by the office for a minute, but even in his attire he stopped and asked me how I was doing, did I enjoy retirement, was I working, and did I ever get my retirement card? That is the most he has talked to me....ever. And it was in a very nice tone of voice, and he acted like he cared about my answers. He even smiled at me and said good bye.

We left the station to go take pictures of the horses, ran by and saw an old friend who is nearly 78 years old and still working for the sheriff's department. He was so glad to see me. Then we went by another officers house who also just adopted a baby after trying for several years and umpteen miscarriages , they had just given up on a baby. Now they have a beautiful baby boy Connor Ray who will have a wonderful home to grow up in. I was so glad to see him for the first time. We then drove by our old home. The home we built with the plans of living there forever. Our 15 acres, our 3,000 square foot home that I designed, and Scott built by himself, with his hands. Yes, it had not changed that much. But you know what??? I was not bitter. I was glad to not be living there. I did not miss the house as much any more, I did not miss the old town that had been home for the past 30 years, I did not miss the flat vast land of northwest Oklahoma. I did not miss it. I was ok with it all. It was good to see my old friends, but it was even better to get home. HOME. Yes, I am home. I think some healing really has begun.

ANOTHER Little Accident

Good Grief

Sometimes I have bad luck, and yesterday seemed to be one of those days. I was/am missing my grand kids really bad, needing some time with them and school is getting ready to start, so time is limited. I called to make arrangements and seemed all was ok. Went in to the living room to make sure it would work with Scott's schedule and see what all he has going with helping my parents out here lately. I think I got up to go feed the dogs and as I stood up from the love seat my knee had a SHARP pain and caused me to fall back. I grabbed my knee and let out a little pain cry and just sat there rubbing it. The pain kind of subsided so I got up to go feed the dogs and nope, still not going to work. My knee is locked up. I can not believe this. I can bend it, but there is no straightening the leg, and there sure isn't any walking on it. I tried to straighten it, I tried to relax it, I tried everything I knew to do, but there was no fixing it. I was in tears, upset because I can't get it to work, and I wanted the grand kids. There is no way I can take care of them like this. Sarah calls and I had to tell her I was not going to be able to keep the kids. I am going to bed with drugs. I make it do the bedroom, crawl into bed and take a muscle relaxer. I sleep for a couple hours, get up and try once again to stand on the leg. Nope, still not working. Dang it. I make it back to the living room, lay down on the sofa and drift in and out of sleep. Scott asks me if I am going to sleep on the sofa all night and I said yes. He brings me another muscle relaxer, my leg is hurting so dag gum much, I am ready for the pain pill but I think, nope, I am going to tough this out. Give me a muscle relaxer again. I lay there for a while and it seems like when your body has been in one position for a while it just will involuntarily stretch . It did. It hurt, and it popped my knee back in. I heard it, felt it, it hurt bad for just a bit, but then, then....it was ok. I straightened the leg out, yes, it went straight. I got up off the sofa, I stood up, I put my weight on it, I even took a couple steps. I was fixed. I could not believe it. The snag in the knee was gone. I laid back down on the sofa and stayed there all night.

Today I am much better. I don't feel 100%, but I am at least 95. I have slept off and on all day, the top of my knee hurts, the muscles going into the knee hurt, no they ache, not really hurt. But I am going to LIVE. My cousin came by and took me out to eat Mexican (my favorite) for dinner and conversation. We have not had any time together in about three weeks. Tomorrow (Fri) we have to drive a couple hours to go sign some papers in Enid and then I am coming home to get my car out of the shop. I decided that today, Thankful Thursday, I am thankful that things were not serious, I lived through it without going to the doctor, and I have a husband that took good care of me. (and left me alone today which I like when I don't feel good!)

And look who was back eating my corn!!

These are unedited. Unlike Cara, I don't always edit before I post,

so you are getting these unedited today. Sorry, but I just wanted you to see her. She did not bring her babies this time, must have left them home with Bucky.

Good night or good morning, depending on when you read this!!!

Wordless Wednesday

They are going to do WHAT to me when I grow up?

Where's that bottle now?
Ok, maybe it wasn't quite wordless, but close for me!

Another Day

Just Another Day?

I started to write this post as if it were just another day. Then I got to thinking, is it really just another day? Is that how I feel about life, it is just another day like I don't really appreciate what it truly means? Yes, that is how this started out in thought. Then it hit me. There is no "just another day" in this race to the end. Each day we put our feet on the floor, drag our hiney out of that bed, pour that cup of coffee down our throat, it is NOT just another day. You see, I got up this morning and went out to feed my critters. I had a big container of squirrel food, and a big container of bird food and headed outside. I was feeding the squirrels and looked up and there was a doe watching me. Yesterday she was feeding at the house with her friend Buck and other doe with two kids in tow. It was nice to see the family out there feeding. So this morning she caught be off guard being just a few yards from where I was standing. It was awesome. She just stood there watching me, she didn't snort, she didn't run away, she just stood there as I continued to feed the corn, peanuts, and sunflower seeds to the squirrels. I am going to go buy straight corn for the deer now that I know they are coming for dinner.

Then I fed the birds, went and got my camera in hopes that maybe doe would come on down to the fence and eat with the squirrels. She didn't. But the hummingbirds were hungry too. They come in every morning and evening thick like thieves. I have seen eight at one time, but not at one feeder. Oh no, they are very territorial and I love watching them fly and swoop and dive and chase each other all over the place. I sit about three or four feet from the feeder and love watching them come in to feed and hoover over the feeder. I never tire of watching these BEAUTIFUL , amazing creatures God has made. They fly so close to me I think they might land on me at times, or hit me in the head saying get out of my personal space. I love sitting outside in the mornings and watching all my critters. Even my dogs. They go out and chase each other, play soccer (really!) lay around, or check the perimeter of our property.

Last night I watched one of my favorite shows season finally (is this the right spelling for the word I am looking for? It does not seem right!!!) and that is American Gladiators. I LOVE that show. I admire the skill, the fitness, the bravery of those ordinary people. Fit I am not, would love to be, think that at 48 I could still do it, but I don't. But I can watch those shows and see how others do it and dream of the day I might motivate myself to doing the "impossible". I watched The Mole, my other favorite show and I can not for the life of me figure out who the mole is. I have watched that show since the very first season when we were in L.A. visiting during their first filming.

I told Callie last night to quit waking me up at 4:30 that I needed my sleep, and sure enough she left me alone today. I slept in till 6:30 when I woke up all on my own. Yea!!! Today Scott takes the car to the body shop to get fixed, we are so pleased that they state the damage is not too bad and should be fixed by this weekend. We will have a rental car till it is done so I don't have to go over and pick Scott up in Tulsa. I am thankful for that. Then this evening I start my first of seven photography classes. I will be taking seven different classes this semester and should finish up by December 1st. I am looking forward to this, a little nervous, there will be some weeks when I will be going to classes three nights a week, some two nights a week and only one night a week for the month of August. I fear I may have bitten off more than I can chew, but it is not written in stone, I do not lose my first born if I don't take all the classes. But I want to get it done and get it done now.

I have plans to run to Texas again soon for my sons birthday. We were not sure if we were going or not, kind of waiting to see if it would work out for him/them to have company that weekend or not. But it seems it might work out for us to get together. I feel birthdays are really important, not the gift, but the time together. So I wanted to go down and take him to dinner or cook out together and then do cake and ice cream if he wanted. I sure love my kids and want to keep/have a very close relationship with them. If we are not careful time gets away and before you know it a year, or two passes and people lose connections. I don't want to be that way.

So just another day? No, I think I am pretty lucky/blessed to be healthy enough to enjoy another HOT steamy day. Everyday is different, every day is what I make of it, every day is just another day closer to the end of the race. Winning the race is awesome if you like winning, but this is one race I think I will take my time at and if somebody beats me to the finish line, I won't get too upset. You see, I have another day I want see and be a part of. Make it a good one, ok?

A Waste Of Time?

Movie Marathon

Yesterday it was way over 100 degrees here with the heat index and I did not want to do anything! We have not just sat around doing nothing...together....in a very long time. So I asked my hubby if he wanted to watch a movie with me. He said sure what were we going to watch? I told him I had DVR'ed some movies from the Hallmark channel a while back and we should watch them. They were from the Jeanette Oakes' books and series"Love Comes Softly" that I have read years ago. She is a Christian romance writer and I have always enjoyed her books, plus these were set in the pioneer days. The days that I would like to have been a part of. The days that were of such simple life, simple? Well that may not be the best word to describe having to plow a field by horse and hand. Getting water from the well and having to heat it yourself for bath, or face washing or clothes cleaning. No, simple may not be the word to use, but it is the best that I could come up with at this time.

So we sat down and started watching the movies. We watched five I think movies in a row. We fast forwarded through the commercials, ( I love DVR!) and it was fun. I cried in everyone of them, thanks Hallmark Movie Channel, and laughed that we cried at least once in each of the movies. They are sappy, they are not the greatest high budget movies, but they are westerns, they have love and romance, cattle drives, bad guys, and of course the heroes. Oh yes, I love a good movie. I would have to stop once in a while and go check the email on my computer, or fix some popcorn, or get a soda from the fridge. We even stopped once and made sandwiches for dinner. This all got started about 3:00 and we finished up around 9:00. I was so tired yesterday that I was in bed by 10:30 (never heard of of me) and was asleep before 11:00. I had three dogs on my bed and a husband that came to bed sometime around mid-night. The only reason I know it was because the dogs would not get off the bed for him to COME to bed. He had to literally drag them off and he tried to do this without waking me. Did a pretty good job of it too for I just rolled over and went back to sleep.

Then I woke up at 4:30 this morning. I don't know why for sure. Someone had to get up and when that happened then others needed to get up and for some reason we all got up and peed at about 4:30 this morning. Good grief. I never used to get up in the night, now not only does my husband, but then I do and now the dogs do.

Was it a waste of time? Was it a wasted day? No, not by any means. We went the day together enjoying the movies, the simple life and laughing at each other. All in all, I think it was a pretty good way to spend a Saturday afternoon with 100 degrees heat. I think I will need a nap today.

Have a wonderful Sunday and remember who gave it to us.

Kids, Gotta Love Them

My Greatest Joy

Today has been a busy day. I got up this morning and of course went straight to my blog friends. I love to get up and see what everyone has to say and what has been going on in their lives. I spend a couple hours reading every one's blogs and playing on the computer. I don't even bother reading the newspaper any more. I learn everything I need to know in the world by reading my blogs.

Today I sent Scott to eat breakfast with my parents and then to the little farm and ranch store known as Atwoods. We get our feed there for the birds, dogs , squirrels, and horses. And I was out of feed. Plus he was helping my dad get a disk for the pasture or something like that. I don't really know (nor care!). Then he had to run over to the body shop (for the car not him!) to get an estimate on the car damage. Not as bad as I had feared thank goodness. About $1,500.00 worth, I can take it in Tues, get a rental car, and hopefully the car will be done by the weekend. That sounds pretty good me. One down and how many more issues to deal with today?

While Scott was gone I cleaned the carpet. I had dirty carpet and with three dogs (big ones at that!) I have to clean the carpet fairly often. They have big feet that love to track in dirt, mud and junk. And our carpet was beige! Was....So I spent the morning getting that done. I also got a phone call today. It seems my kiddo has a debt issue that I am going to have help take care of. Love my kids but good grief. Remind me again why we have kids???? Oh yes, in hopes of grandchildren someday....that's right. I think it should be against the law for anyone under the age of say 22, 23, oh I don't know 25-30 to be able to get a credit card!!!! I hate credit cards and credit card debts. I am very lucky that I do not have any, and if at all possible, won't. I pay off any charges I get at the end of each month. I sure wish my kids had the same financial savvy that I do. But I am pretty sure at the age of 24, 25 or so that I made some pretty bad decisions. Difference? I had no one to help bail me out. So am I really helping my kids when they make bad choices or am I enabling them? I wonder about my helping habits. Am I really helping? I wish as I was trying to deal with issues as a young adult I would have had help, and guidance, but I didn't. I feel, no, I know that my first marriage fell apart due to our lack of ability to manage money. That and a few (lots) of other reasons, but that is my other story of my life! So not having any help during my growth period, I felt I was doing my kids a favor helping them. Now I just don't know. It is a very hard decision. Trying to balance what is right, with ....I don't know, what am I trying to balance it with? I want them to be productive, well developed individuals. I have spent their whole lives building, molding, shaping them to that goal. Yes, we all make mistakes, myself included. So I try to lead them by example, and I try to help pick them up when they fall down, fall hard. I thought I would never have a good relationship with my step-daughter, I feared that for many years. We fought, and sometimes we fought hard. But I never gave up. I never gave up for I just wanted her to love me. I wanted us to be able to be a family that overcame the odds. And after many years it has happened. What would have happened if I gave up? Then we would not be where we are today. I have a good relationship with her today and the grandchildren she has blessed me with. And we are developing a relationship with a wonderful son-n-law. They have grown, they have opened their hearts and mind to us being back into their lives and we are all so blessed by it. So how much do you help your kids? How long do you go before you give up? I know as an officer what I have told people. But when it is your child I don't think you ever give up.Family is all we have. One life is all we are given. I just feel we have to make the best of it. The good and the bad, they all come together. I love my kids, I love them more than ......I don't know, it is easy to say "more than life itself". I think that is true. I love my children, my offspring, my part of me that I treasure so much. I would do anything for them, anything that I can. But.....how long, how far, and how much do we do? If you have the answer please share it with me. I have an open mind, and a wounded heart.