Friday, December 5, 2008

Friday Funnies

Today is Friday for those of you that days have meaning.

I am one of those that do not work because

(say it with me...) "I am retired you know"!

So with this being a day of importance to so many it is time to link

up with Kim at Homesteaders Heart and share the laughter!

Happy Weekend to All.

Yesterday I was at my local Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog, and was in the checkout line when the woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have very little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say. (OH YES WE DO!)
Now here is my second one and this is for those of us that need to exercise but just do not want to join a gym. This is the PERFECT way to exercise at home!
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand while hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level!)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.


Homesteader in Training said...

Oh LOL funny! I love it!
Hugs to you my friend.

Marge said...

Oh boy, you are full of it today, aren't you! Too funny! I was wondering if you were ever going to post again. You must be busy this week. I'll email you.........

Tonjia said...

LOLOL I look so forward to these Friday funnies..

thanks for the laugh today lisa!

He And Me + 3 said...

OK, I totally did not see that coming, and I guess you and the irish setter missed it too. That was hysterical. Glad you found a "new thing to do" Thanks for the Friday Funny!

Susan said...

OK, you had me in STICHES!!!
This was just sooooooooooooooo funny.

Now, did you REALLY tell that story at Wal-Mart?

You are just hilarious!

Have a blessed day!

Who says retired people can't have fun???

Mental P Mama said...

Literally. Laughing Out Loud.

Anonymous said...

I loved it! Sooooo didn't anticipate that ending! D'you know that bees and dogs can smell fear? (Sorry, that is all I could come up with on such short notice!

Love you! Jolly Jokester Jill

Just Joni said...

Ha! while I was reading I thought you were the one doing this at Wal-Mart and I was cracking up and then I realized it WAS a joke....then I laughed all over again...yes, I'm a blonde.

Laughter is the best medicine...

claudia said...

Both got me to laughing out loud. The dogs are looking at me in a worried way. I think they are worried I'll start eating their food!

Lisa @ Stop and Smell the Chocolates said...

So funny!! I love those. And now I have an exercise routine to start the new year with - LOL!!