Touching Story!!!

I need to share this heart touching story for Valentine's Day.

Please get your tissue ready!

Homeless man

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in South East Oklahoma back-country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late.... and saw the funeral guy was evidently gone, and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left.... and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down. The vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace', the workers began to weep. They wept; I wept; we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and

started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "Sweet, I never seen nothin' like that before.... and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.."

Ok, I am sorry, but I shed a tear over this one and then at the end of course felt pretty silly. So I HAD to share this with all my friends hoping you too will get as much enjoyment from it as I did. Get a GOOD laugh out of it, enjoy the day and be thankful it was not us in that "vault"! When you get through blowing your nose, wiping your eyes, go over to Kim at Homesteader's Heart and get a good laugh with the other Friday Funnies there!

Friday Funnies

It is Friday already and I have not posted all week. But on the flip side....after the rain today and tomorrow we are suppose to get, Tulsa OK will have had rain 21 days in a row!!! We broke the record!!!! Since 1954 and 19teen something there has not been this many days in a row. The sun is shinning right now, the temps are getting hot, and you know what that means???? Severe weather tonight. Well I am not worried. We live in a very safe area, sort of in a valley, so tornadoes do not scare me. Highly unlikely one would hit my house. But my spirits are high, I still love to laugh so I am joining in Kim at Homesteaders Heart at tickling the funny bone.

New Alphabet
A is for apple, and B is for boat,

That used to be right, but now it won't float.

Age before beauty is what we once said,

But let's be a bit more realistic instead.
Now The Alphabet
A's for arthritis;

B's the bad back,

C's the chest pains,

Perhaps car-di-ac?

D is for dental decay and decline,

E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!

F is for fissures and fluid retention,

G is for gas which we'd rather not mention.

H High blood pressure--We'd rather it low;

I For incisions with scars you can show.

J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,

K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L 's for libido, what happened to sex?

M is for memory; we forget what comes next.

N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;

O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!

P for prescriptions. We have quite a few,

Just give us a pill and we'll be good as new!

Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?

R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S is for sleepless nights, counting our fears,

T is for Tinnitus; bells in our ears!

U is for urinary; troubles with flow;

V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know.
W for worry, NOW what's going 'round?

X is for X-ray, and what might be found.

Y for another year we are left here behind,

Z is for zest WE still have -- in OUR minds.
We've survived all the symptoms, our body's deployed,

and We're keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed.




IF YOU ARE OLD, HAVE A GREAT DAY.
IF NOT, YOUR TURN WILL COME!

and now one more because I have it,

and I like it

and it has rained for THREE WEEKS.

Incident at Cabela's

A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter..
A Cabela's associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says, 'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'

He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes..'

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00.'

She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter.

I'll take it!' As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts.

At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted.

Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around?

The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34..50 please.

'The woman is totally confused by this and asks, '

Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00?

How did you get $34.50?

'He replies, '

Yes, ma'am.... The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50!!!!

ha ha ha, I still laugh when I read this .....now I need to go check out the row boat!

Friday Funnies

I forgot it was Friday....I have my grand daughter here.

I lose track of time.

My brother in law sent me this in my email and I loved it...knew I had to share it with you all today .....Friday before Mother's Day. Enjoy it, laugh and thing how true it just might be. Be sure to visit Kim at Homesteaders Heart for Friday Funnies.

Happy Mothers Day to all mommas and grandmas.

When I'm an old lady, I'll live with each kid,


And bring so much happiness...just as they did.


I want to pay back all the joy they've provided.


Returning each deed! Oh, they'll be so excited!


(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)





I'll write on the wall with reds, whites and blues,


And I'll bounce on the furniture...wearing my shoes.


I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out.


I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, how they'll shout!


(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)





When they're on the phone and just out of reach,


I'll get into things like sugar and bleach.


Oh, they'll snap their fingers and then shake their head,


(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)





When they cook dinner and call me to eat,


I'll not eat my green beans or salad or meat,


I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table,


And when they get angry...I'll run....if I'm able!


(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)





I'll sit close to the TV, through the channels I'll click,


I'll cross both eyes just to see if they stick.


I'll take off my socks and throw one away,


And play in the mud 'til the end of the day!


(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)





And later in bed, I'll lay back and sigh,


I'll thank God in prayer and then close my eyes.


My kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping,


And say with a groan, 'She's so sweet when she's sleeping!'
God Bless All Moms and Grandmas everywhere!

Friday Funnies

Friday Funnies

Hello girls (and guys?!) I have been MIA on the Friday funnies lately, lots been going on here and I have lost my music to honor Kim's special day. So I am bummed about that. But life goes on. I wanted to try and get back into the routine of the Friday funnies, laughter is truly good for the soul. This is a joke I have saved for this very occasion. After reading these, hop on over to Kim at Homesteaders Heart for a bunch more!!! Have a great weekend!

Two men crashed in their private plane on a South Pacific Island. Both survived. One of the men brushed himself off and then proceeded to run all over the island to see if they had any chance of survival.

When he returned, he rushed up to the other man and screamed, 'This island is uninhabited, there is no food, there is no water. We are going to die!'

The other man leaned back against the fuselage of the wrecked plane, folded his arms and responded, 'No we're not. I make over $250,000 a week.'

The first man grabbed his friend and shook him. 'Listen, we are on an uninhabited island. There is no food, no water. We are going to die!'

The other man, unruffled, again responded. 'No, I make over $250,000 a week.'

Mystified, the first man, taken aback with such an answer again repeated, 'For the last time, I'm telling you we ARE doomed. There is NO one else on this island. There is NO food. There is NO water. We are, I repeat, going to die a slow death.'

Still unfazed, the first man looked the other in the eyes and said, 'Do not make me say this again. I make over $250,000 per week, I am a Baptist, and I tithe. MY PASTOR WILL FIND US!'

Friday Funnies

Today is Friday, so it is time to join Kim at Homesteaders Heart and laugh all day. I usually have a theme song for this day and posting, but for some odd reason I can not access my playlist. So we are going to listen to the seagulls and the ocean until I can figure it out!!!

(I get the grandkids today!!! Hurray, hip hip hurray!) I have been working SO hard at getting my taxes done, and remodeling the bathroom. Plus we have spent ALOT of time with my parents (thats a good thing!) so this week has been CRAZY. One of my busier ones. Plus trying to get things for Valentines Day, going out to eat with my cousin/her husband and Scott, I am telling you I fell like I am meeting myself coming and going. And I don't seem to have the same luck getting my husband motivated to do things.....that is a whole other story. But I got the bathroom nearly finished, I still need to frame another picture when I find the right frame, I got the new shower curtain and hung it, all the new things like towel rack, hooks, and hangers etc. It doesn't seem like that much, but it adds up. Last night we hung a new light in the hall, changed pull knobs on several drawers, closet doors, and cabinet doors. We bought new doorknobs and hinges for all the doors in the house and will start changing those things out as we paint and redo the rooms. This is a cute little house, but sure needs updating plus a new room added on the back. Since the room is not coming along I decided to start making little changes and hope that motivates to get the other stuff done. We will see. Next week??? Scrape the ceiling, texture, and paint the bedroom. After all the painting and ceiling scrapings I might do new carpet. AND it WON'T be a light color, I have three dogs you know!!!! So forgive me for not blogging much this week, I have been really busy, and forgive for not blogging this weekend, for I will spend ALL my time with MY valentine gift......my grandchildren. I have things planned with them too!

so in honor of all the work going on around here, I wanted to share a cute little funny!

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO
paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful
hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the
local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently,
and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared
carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a
score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want too appear
ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error
in the grade."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly,
which was worth 50% of the total mark."

"You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50%
of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you
did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire
career."

Friday Funnies

We all need a good laugh here and again. So every Friday Kim at Homesteader Heart has a day full of funnies. If you want more than what I can provide go check her out and see what every one is laughing about today with her!

The Black Bra

The other day I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra & bodice,stiletto heels and a mask over just our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went:

My engaged friend: The other night my boyfriend came over and found me wearing a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said... "What's for dinner, Batman?"

And would you like one more because I am full of them???

I am in the middle of painting my bathroom and trying to get some things done around my house. When I read this joke it made me think of me!!! Except I am NOT blonde, but it is still funny.

THE BLONDE PAINTER

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.

He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is okay. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it, by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replied that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said..

'FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS'



ps,ok maybe I AM blonde, for my spell check says there is no "e" on the end of the blond (E). I thought there was so I am leaving it.....is the computer right???? or am I just a really poor speller?

Happy Birthday Brother--Friday Funnies

The BIG 4-0!

Today my younger brother turns 40. The big 4-0. He joins the Over the Hill gang. he won't read this so it doesn't matter what I write either. My brother is a fire fighter paramedic, so not only does he fight fires, he runs on the ambulance to save lives all the time. He works in a really nice town called Broken Arrow, and he has been there for over a dozen years now I think. I wanted to do something really mean to him for his birthday but he is in a Haz Mat school all this week and I don't know where it is. Plus it would not be proper to send a stripper to the fire department for his birthday huh? Darn it! I really wanted to do SOMETHING to him....just because. So I sent him a card and put a bunch of "40" confetti in it. I thought he would come home from class today and open his card. I thought his daughter would get a big kick out of the confetti on the floor and all would be good. Well...that is not what happened. I got a phone call yesterday and it was my brother. He asked if I had a shop vac. I said no, but Scott does. He said, well you better get it and come get all these 40's out of my truck. I'm thinking...40's. beer? Why would I need to come shop vac a bunch of 40's out of his truck. Then Scott said, Oh I know what it is...you sent him that card. Well the card should not have been there till today, but he got it in one day. Darn that dependable US postal service. Rob got his card, did not recognize my address (I have only lived here for a year and a half!!) he said he did not think about his birthday and it being a card. But it said "do not bend" so he thought someone had sent him some pictures so he was very careful to open the envelope. He pulled it opened and out all that confetti fell, right in his truck. Ooopps!! That was not planned. But it works!
So happy birthday Rob,...and I guess I got cha!

So in honor of my brother and his old age birthday I have a good joke for the day. It is very fitting. See what you think and then go see Kim at Homesteaders Heart and see what other funnies people have!

Wally's Wedding Night

At 85 years of age, Wally married Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected 'knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally. Again he is ready for more 'action.' Somewhat surprised, Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, you guessed it..... Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action.' And, once again they enjoy each other.

As Wally gets set to leave, his young bride says, I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover Wally.

Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Anne and says: .......

'You mean I was here already?'

The moral of the story:

Don't be afraid of getting old, senior moments have advantages..

Friday Funnies

Florida beat OU last night NOW THAT IS JUST DOWN RIGHT FUNNY!!!! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.....leave me alone now.

If you want some real funny stuff go see Kim at Homesteaders Heart because I don't find much of anything funny today...and probably won't tomorrow either. In fact, I may not find much of anything funny for a week or so. So leave me alone, I am not a good loser, my feelings are wounded, and I am a little upset. But...BUT....I am very happy to see a neat young man as Tebow do so great. He is a very strong Christian young man from every thing I have heard and know about him, he is only 21 and has a very level head. So if SOMEONE was going to beat OU, I am ok with it being him....at least Texas was not there!

Friday Funnies

Well, here it is AGAIN, another Friday. How do I know it is Friday? Because it is time to link up with Kim at Homesteaders Heart for your funny bone tickle! Where does the week go? I do know this...I still don't have a tree up nor decorated and Christmas is less than a week away. I have my gifts all bought, I have the gifts all wrapped, but NOT UNDER a tree...see sentence above. I have found some recipes that I want to try for our Christmas get together, and have planned pretty much everything except when I will get with my son and dil. Life is difficult when they live six hours away and work one job on mid-nights and the other during the day Mon-Fri job.

I have a friend coming over today for me to take her picture with her sister and daughter, shhhh, it is a Christmas gift for her daddy! This friend is one that I have taken most of my photography classes with and she asked ME to take her pictures...that made me feel really good. Plus I have my grand daughter for the next three days!!! Hip hip hooray! then Sunday I will trade her for my grandson and keep him till Christmas Eve when we will take him home to exchange gifts. We are really blessed. Life is coming together so nice, I am proud that my family is all healthy, and in my life. As you all know, family is the most important thing to me so right now my world is all ok. I also love the giving of gifts, I know it is NOT the true meaning of Christmas, but I do feel that it is a part of the reason. Giving of one's self. I am a very giving person, maybe even to a fault. But I feel good to know that I have been so blessed.


I am blessed to have many new friends, and many old friends. I love sending out Christmas cards and letters. But this year....it didn't happen. I am very sorry to say that I just didn't get the stamps for the cards this year. I did have this problem....please don't laugh, there are just some things I don't really know...... I DON'T know you all THAT well.

You see.....

I went to the post office to buy stamps for my Christmas cards. I told the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk said, "What denomination?"

I looked her right in the eye and said, "God help us. Has it really come to this?

Ok fine, give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists." Some of you may not be getting any Christmas cards this year!

Friday Funnies

News before the Friday Funnies

you can skip the posting and go right to the bottom for my joke!

I am FINISHED...well sort of

I have been busy this week doing what I really don't know. But it seems I have been doing something all week long. I am really trying to get things organized and start doing more or my photography. I would like to try and make a little money with this hobby I have. And I love people and being a part of their special events. And I have been trying to catch up on a few shows that I have recorded.

I have finished up on the Christmas shopping except for my daughters big gift and since she doesn't read my blog I can tell you I will probably give her money. She is 24, my baby, and the only one not married. I set a limit as to how much I spend on each family and since she doesn't have a family she gets more spent on her alone. She kind of likes this theory. It might prevent her from getting married I fear!!!

(Just kidding Beth, in case you DO read this one!)

Do you know the old saying...the difference between men and boys is the price of their toys? Well I feel the same way about my kids. Ouch! My daughters gift ideas get expensive....like window tinting, auto start on her car (that was my idea actually)and this game system that cost $400 stinking dollars!!! I don't remember what it is called, PlayStation 3, or something, but it plays Blue ray and she doesn't have cable etc so she wants to watch movies on Blue ray. Well have you seen how expensive those disk are? So I don't think that will be on my list to get her. I am still buying DVDs for now. But honestly, I am very proud of myself for my shopping this year. I LOVE getting gifts for everyone. I am a giver, that is my heart, so I love Christmas. But since I am now retired and NO money coming in at all other than the little retirement check, I had to set a budget for Christmas. And I have stuck to it. I could so go overboard for the grand kids. I would really like to, but I also believe that presents should include presence and that is my goal for the whole year. To be available to the grand kids all year. To make their time with us very special. It will be gone all to soon. I am missing them badly right now. I need a weekend with those sweet little ones. That is a gift to me ...to spend time with the family.

Now having said all of this..I still don't have a Christmas tree up. Why? It is in the attic and I can't get it down. I have asked for it several times, but ???? Hint hint hint. This weekend I won't be home to put it up for I am traveling to go do a photo shoot with a family with a new three month old baby ( and two siblings). Then I am going to baby sit the family while they go to a Christmas party. It is my daughters party with several of her friends. So we will see what all I get done after that! I am hoping to do another shoot on Sunday of two kids and two dogs. But that has not been nailed down yet!

So that is what my life is this past week. I have not been on the computer as much as I usually do, and I have not really wanted to blog this week. I have spent the day with my mom and we went shopping and out to lunch ( Oh I love those days!) and then shopping with my husband yesterday, and just STUFF. Oh we had lunch with my aunt and uncle and my other aunt and uncle then played dominoes in the afternoon. That was A BLAST!!! Today we need to hit the grocery store for we are in store for another "ICE STORM" next week. It appears that the Tulsa area is predicted to have freezing rain and they are watching it close for it was only one year ago we had the horrible ice storm where people were with out electricity for days, and some even weeks. So I plan to get every thing done this week and not have to do anything next week. Might be a good time to put the tree up and just decorate and stay in front of the fireplace. Sounds like a plan to me. AND, I have not done any Christmas cards. That just may not happen this year. For now I am watching the squirrels play outside my window, the birds need to be fed, they are eating me out of house and home!. Plus I want things done to my house like repaint bedrooms, new carpet, and remodel the kitchen. Well that will be on my to do list for after Christmas! For now, I need to go get stuff done.

Here is my friday funny, be sure and visit Kim at Homesteaders Heart for a good laugh..

Dad At The Mall

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors:green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response….
'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

Friday Funnies

Oops, It isn't Friday Yet Is It?

But I will be out shopping so here is my Friday joke early. And...

on top of that it is a Thanksgiving joke that I should have posted last week.

But I just found it so here it is.

Be sure to go visit with Kim at Homesteaders Heart this Friday

for the real Friday Funnies.

Thanksgiving with The Old Folks

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York two days before Thanksgiving and says, " Son, I hate to ruin your day, but I have some bad news to tell you. Your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and you tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "the kids are coming for Thanksgiving and even paying their own way."

OK, I think that is pretty cute. So if anyone has any extra time on Friday and want to link me up with Kim, then go right ahead. But I will be out shopping on Black Friday and probably will not be on the computer.....probably....maybe.....we'll see.

Friday Funnies

Friday funnies

Ok, this is in itself is too funny. I linked first before posting because it was number 13!!! So I have to come up with a funny really quickly. While you are waiting go to Kim's blog at Homesteader's Heart and I will come up with one!!!

I could not come up with a Thanksgiving funny....so we will just have to make do. This on is about current events! And you know I will probably do two just because I can. I got this email from my uncle who is into the stock market and I keep saying I am going to take my info over to him and let him tell me what I am invested in and how it is (not) doing. So enjoy his words of wisdom:

Normally I avoid discussing any advice regarding buying or selling of
stocks, but I felt this is important enough to share and warn you since
this explosive situation might prove to be yet another ENRON.

Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks: American
Can, Interstate Water, National Gas Company, and Northern Tissue
Company. Due to uncertain market conditions, I advise you to sit tight
on your American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas. You may
be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today,
and millions were wiped clean.

It's a tough market out there. Be careful!

And because my daughter is up to date on all the latest gadget and things I thought of her with this one.

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA( ok, so not me!).SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM. ( I could see that being one of my daughters friends!)

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.' (that would be my daughter!)

THE OLDER WOMAN ( that would be me!) FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT.I'M GETTING A FAX!! (oh that would be so me!)

I hope these made you smile, and have a very happy, stress free Thanksgiving. And think of me if you ever get another fax or even send one for that matter! (not a pretty picture, sorry!)

Update: New joke just came in, brought to you by Caleb, my 7 year old grandson, after reading him some of the other jokes posted, he wanted me to add his to MY BLOG!

Question: Why did the dinosaur cross the lake?

WHY????

Because he had to find a restroom so he could read the newspaper!

wonder where he found this information???huh daddy????

Friday Funnies

Finally Friday!!!

I love Friday! I love to link up with Kim at Homesteaders Heart to tell jokes. I love to laugh, love humor, and love love. I so look forward to this day. After reading my coupe jokes for the day, go over to Kim and see what is tickling every one's funny bone!

Normally I avoid discussing any advice regarding buying or selling of
stocks, but I felt this is important enough to share and warn you since
this explosive situation might prove to be yet another ENRON.

Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks: American
Can, Interstate Water, National Gas Company, and Northern Tissue
Company. Due to uncertain market conditions, I advise you to sit tight
on your American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas. You may
be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today,
and millions were wiped clean.

It's a tough market out there. Be careful!

And Secondly (because I can!):

OLD LADIES SPEEDING TICKET
An old lady gets pulled over for speeding.

Old Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding .

Old Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Old Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Old Woman: No, I lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please .

Old Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Old Woman: Because I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Old Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner!

Officer: You what?

Old Woman: I hacked up the owner and His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls
for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.

A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Old woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Old Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Old Woman: Why yes, here are my registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands her license to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't
have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Old Woman: AND I Bet THAT liar told you I was speeding, too!!!

Don't Mess With Old Ladies

I LOVE THIS ONE. ...I am going to remember this for future reference....just in case.

Happy Friday!

Friday Funnies

Well It is Here again!!!

This one tonight is more funny to me due to the job I previously held. So I hope you enjoy it and please do see the humor in it!!! Join Kim at Homesteaders Heart to have more humor in your day. If you want to join in my anniversary give away, there is a test in the post below this one. But you better hurry, entries are due by 11:00 tomorrow!

Is this a Funny or Is it Real???

When southern Florida resident Nathan Radlich's house was burglarized recently, thieves ignored his wide screen plasma TV, his VCR, and even left his Rolex watch.What they did take, however, was 'a generic white cardboard box filled with a fine grayish-white powder.' (That's the way the police report described it.)

A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said, 'that it looked similar to high-grade cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time.' Later, Nathan stood in front of numerous TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars: 'Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago.'

The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a local drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The cardboard box was there too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained. Scotch taped to the box was this note which said: 'Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted your sister. No hard feelings. Have a nice day!!!

Friday Funnies

It's Friday!!! Hope you have a wonderful day, and if you have little costume wearers be SAFE!
Join Kim at Homesteaders Heart for her weekly fun of Friday Funnies!

This first one is pretty scarey, so don't read it in the dark or before you go to bed!

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him
FASTER...FASTER...BUMP...BUMP... BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clappingclappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...on his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.Bumping and clapping toward him.The man screams and reaches for something, anything,but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...and,


you're going to love this


The coffin stops !!!!!!


And a second joke just because I love Friday Funnies and I have a ton!

The Old Gas Station

The service station trade was slow.
The owner sat around,
With sharpened knife and cedar stick.
Piled shavings on the ground.

No modern facilities had they,
The log across the rill
Led to a shack, marked His and Hers
That sat against the hill.

'Where is the ladies restroom, sir?'
The owner leaning back,
Said not a word but whittled on,
And nodded toward the shack.

With quickened step she entered there
But only stayed a minute,
Until she screamed, just like a snake
Or spider might be in it.

With startled look and beet red face
She bounded through the door,
And headed quickly for the car.
Just like three gals before.

She tripped and fell -- got up,
And then in obvious disgust,
Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
And faded in the dust.

Of course we all desired to know
What made the gals all do
The things they did, and then we found
The whittling owner knew.

A speaking system he'd devised
To make the thing complete,
He tied a speaker on the wall
Beneath the toilet seat.

He'd wait until the gals got set and then the devilish guy,
Would stop his whittling long enough, to speak into the mike.

And as she sat, a voice below struck terror, fright and fear
'Will you please use the other hole? We're painting under here'

Friday's Funnies

Can't get the picture to come up...oh well, here is my Friday Funny even though I am not in a good mood today, this does make me smile!!

Join Kim at Homesteaders Heart to see more funnies.

MAN WHO KNOWS HIS MATH writes...

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.'Man, that guy is stupid,' I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:


I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
That's 96 miles each day.Of these,
16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.
Statistically, females drive half of these.
That's 18,000 women drivers!
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
That me ans that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life,
thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide,
has PMS, and is armed.
Give her the finger?
I don't think so.

Friday's Funnies

Friday's Funnies are here and I think I have some really good ones. I LOVE the last one, but don't read it first because the first one is actually pretty funny too.

I actually had not heard most of these and laughed pretty hard when I read them. Tonjia, I thought of you while reading them!!! You have to go over and see Kim at Homesteaders Heart. She is the sponsor of Friday's Funnies so link up with her and go read what everybody else has to say. Have a funny Friday of your own and a great weekend.

(Oh I don't know, #7 is pretty funny too!)

Embarrassing Medical Exams:

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, 'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed that there were several cabs -- and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX

2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,' I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patients two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one?' I asked. 'The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours, and now I'm running out of places to put it!' I had him quickly undress, and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion, she answered...'Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, 'So, how's your breakfast this morning?' 'It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,' the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly, and the woman produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by RN, no name

AND FINALLY!!!............

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied, 'No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'
Doctor, wouldn't submit his name (Can't blame him!)

Friday Funnies

I love humor, and I love that Kim at Homesteaders Heart does the Friday Funnies.

So go over and check out her jokes/funny story, her links and read their funnies. What a

great way to end the week, tickle your funny bone and have a laugh.

If you really want a good laugh, turn the volume up

and listen to my Friday Funnies Theme Song

(just for Kim)!

Blond Jokes:

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking,

and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?'

The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.

She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, 'What's the story?'

He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely

if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today

you expect me to show it to you!'

RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk.

She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank

'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,

'You ARE on the other side.'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and

said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed,

then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more.

She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.

Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde

behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren,

the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled,

'PULL OVER!'

'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'

The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'

The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night..

It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.

Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name,

can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,

and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that

one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs




I have to give Tina credit once again for emailing me these jokes. I thought there were cute, and especially since she is a blond. Thank you dear friend!

Happy birthday do my brother Mike

and my friend who has passed on due to breast cancer....Cathy O. I miss you still dear friend, Happy Birthday.

Yesterday my daughter's friend and her husband had twin girls....born 10-9-08....I think they should be called the count down twins...get it....?????10-9-8 ect...ok, I will stick to emailed jokes! But they are beautiful and every one is doing well. I will ask if I can post pictures of them someday, they are soooo cute.

Friday's Funnies

Don't forget to visit

Lisa at Stop and Smell the Chocolate

for her final day of pumpkin week!

Finally, Friday Funnies

Ok, it is Friday again, for you working people...Hip Hip Hooray!!! For me? Ok, what day of the week is it? Oh Friday, ok. Oh that means OU should be playing football tomorrow. Yeah!!!



But Friday's are special days, pop on over to Kim at Homesteader Heart and get your funny bone tickled today. Link up so we can all see your jokes too. This is such a fun way to share our Friday.



Today I am doing a Red Neck Joke that was sent to me. I saw another blogger posted the Red Neck Fire Alarm, so I told her I would post a Red Neck Joke. Why not? I'm from the south too.





REDNECK LOVE POEM



SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,

SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.

SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL,

SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

PAPPY TOLD HER, 'SUSIE GAL,

YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.

I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,

BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.'



SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE

AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL.

BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,

HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.'

'YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,

AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YOU' MOTHER.

WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'

I K NOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.'



BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, 'MY CHILD,

JUST DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY.

MARRY WILL, OR MARRY JOE:

YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.'

(Kinda brings a tear to yer eye, don't it?)







Oh I love telling jokes (even if they aren't mine originally) so I might even add one more...is that ok?

A Short Love Story

A man and a woman who had never met before but were both married to other people found themselves assigned to the same sleeping compartment on a Trans-continental train.Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly -- he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.At 1 a.m., the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'a m, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet and get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.""I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.""Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed."Good," she replied. "Get your own blanket."After a moment of silence, he farted.



Ok, I'm done till next week. Happy Weekend to you all. I'm going to the Fair!!!